Time to Bust Out the Warm Stuff

Fall is my favorite time of year.  There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.

As the air gets cooler and the leaves start to change, the world around takes on a whole new presence.  I love the way the air smells, and the crunch and crackle of leaves under my feet.

The colors of the fall flowers and foliage are warm and inviting.  Sitting outside in a sweatshirt, hat, and gloves with a hot latte watching youth football or soccer is one of the best feelings!  Fall is also an amazing time to travel.  In my lifetime, I have been blessed to see many parts of our country in the fall.  I have seen Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Massachussets, Iowa, South Dakota, and of course, all parts of beautiful Minnesota.  While northern Minnesota and Wisconsin are beautiful, nothing beats the Catskill Mountains in the fall!

All Souls Church, Tannersville, NY

View from All Souls' front step

Climbing the trail to Kaaterskill Falls

Kaaterskill Falls, NY

I'm not sure if, when, or where I will be taking my fall trip this year.  Last year was Duluth, MN.  This year may bring Seattle.  I've never been to the Pacific Northwest.  If I go, there are sure to be pictures.

In the meantime, I am content in knowing I have an NFL football game to go to with longtime friends, apple orchard visits (complete with homemade applesauce, apple crisp, and apple pie), and the Trail of Terror!  Not to mention Trick or Treating with my kids and a Halloween costume party with my friends!  Really, what is there not to love about fall?

You Love Me, You Really Love Me!!! (Or At Least Michele Does...)

I can honestly say, when I decided to start a blog, I had no idea I'd meet such great people.

The networking sites I have joined and the people I have met have all been so amazing!  It's great to see people taking life as it comes and being bold enough to face it head on, despite the difficulties and frustrations!

All of the women and men who share their lives daily in the blogosphere give me such different perspective IRL!  Not only am I having a blast, I'm learning a TON!

One of my first followers was Michele over at Finding Trinity.  If you haven't checked her out or started following her, you should!  She is a smart, funny, brave, and generous woman.  Thanks, Michele, for my first blog award!!

So, the rules of this award are as follows:
~Answer the questions below using only one word
~Thank the blogger who gave it to you
~Pass it on to 6 of your favorite bloggers

So, on with the questions:

1. Where is your cell phone?
     Left

2.Your hair?
     Ponytail

3. Your mother?
     Florida

4. Your father?
     Illinois

5. Your favorite food?
     Mexican

6. Your dream last night?
     Nonexistant

7. Your favorite drink?
     Coffee

8. Your dream/goal?
     Happiness

9. What room are you in?
     Bedroom

10. Your hobby?
     Blogging

11. Your fear?
     Unknown

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?
     Happy

13. Where were you last night?
     Home

14. Something you aren't?
     Quiet

15. Muffins?
     Yummy

16. Wish list item?
     Partner

17. Where did you grow up?
     Minnesota

18. Last thing you did?
     Text

19. What are you wearing?
     Jammies

20. Your TV?
     Off

21. Your pets?
     Three

22. Your friends?
     Nuts

23. Your life?
     Gift

24. Your mood?
     Frustrated

25. Missing someone?
     Definately

26. Vehicle?
     SUV

27. Something you're not wearing?
     Socks

28. Your favorite store?
     Book

29. Your favorite color?
     Purple

30. When was the last time you laughed?
     Today

31. Last time you cried?
     Yesterday

32. Your best friend?
     BFF

33. One place that I go over and over?
     School

34. One person who emails me regularly?
     Teacher

35. Favorite place to eat?
     Out

Now for the hard part...  Picking just 6 of my favorite blogs...  So difficult because I LOVE so many....

The Award Goes To:

MindyMom @ Single Mom Says...
Raine @ True Confessions of a Single Mother
Mike @ Going Sane in a Crazy World
June @ June Cleaver After A Six-Pack
Amanda @ My Life... Badly Written
Amira @ Memoirs of A Single Mom

I totally would have given one to Why Mom Drinks Rum, but Michele totally beat me to the punch.  But you should totally check her out, too.  She is funny as hell and I heart her!

So, go now and show these folks some blogosphere love!  And tell them That One Mom sent you!!!!

You're 9!!!

The Girl told me the other day that Billy Joe Armstrong is hot.  Doi!  I think to myself.  I totally agree.  And when I was a teenager, around the time of Green Day's Dookie album, I was in "love"...

Wait a minute!  When I was a teenager...  The Girl is 9!!!  She's not supposed to think Billy Joe is hot!  She's supposed to think he's a creepy old man that wears make-up!

"Billy Joe?!?!"  I asked her, completely puzzled.  "He's almost 40!" (Gasp!  Certainly not old in my book, but probably in my 9 year-old's) 

"So.", she says.  "He makes good music.  You know I love Green Day.  Besides, you always say age is only a number."  (Ahhhhh!!!  Since when does she listen to a word that comes out of my mouth!?!?!)

"Honey," I tell her, "Billy Joe has kids your age.  Don't you think that it's weird to think a dad of kids your age is hot?"

"The youngest is The Boy's age mom.  Their names are Joey and Jakob.  And they're cute too.  Like their dad.  Besides, I said he's hot, not that I want to marry him.  You think lots of guys are hot.  Why can't I?" (Because you're 9 and I'm 31!  That's why!")

Well, the kid knows her facts.  And like I always say, a healthy fantasy life is good for the soul.  And hey, The Girl's got good taste....  I just hope that when she's old enough to date, she finds boys that are more stable than the rock star type...  Hahahahaha...  Who am I kidding?

Need to Get My Butt Moving

Today finds me in a funk.

Sunday was a difficult day.  I had been out with the girls until late.  We had a fabulous time dancing!  Our volunteer (badgered into submission by his loving girlfriend) DD dropped Miss Lucinda and me off at my house around 3 a.m.

I'm sure a normal person would have just gone to bed.  However, Miss Lucinda and I haven't seen each other in over a month.  Which is FOREVER in our worlds.  So we had some catching up to do.  In the midst of catching up, my text message start going off.  At 3:06, I get a message that says, "What are you doing?"  It's a local number that I don't have assigned to a contact.  I didn't give my number out at all, so it must be someone I know...

"Who's this?"  is all I reply.

"Mr. Fun-and-games, again."  Ahhh, Mr. Fun-and-games....  I deleted all of his contact info out of my phone months ago, when I finally decided after years and years of his nonsense, that I couldn't deal with him any more.  This was the 2nd time this week he'd contacted me.  I didn't save his info then.  I'm not going to now.

If he is anything, he is consistent.  Mr. Fun-and-games wants to "hang out".  I have to get up at 6:00.  I told him, if he can deal with sweat pants and sleep, he's welcome to crash.  I would, however, be gone when he woke up.  Hahahaha....  From my own house...

So Sunday morning came too soon.  Mr. Fun-and-games parked behind me and I had to dig through all of his pockets to move his truck.  I had to go pick up The Girl from her friend's house and take her to church.  She was singing on the youth worship team and had to be there for all of the services.  I took a nap in the car during the second service.

I got a text from Miss Lucinda around 9:30 letting me know that Mr. Fun-and-games had just left and I would find her crashed in my bed when I got home.

After church, we picked up The Boy and came home to get Miss Lucinda and take her home.  My poor little head was THROBBING!  We were all starving, so we took Miss Lucinda home and went out to eat.  I was in bed by 3:00 p.m. for the longest nap ever.  When I woke at 6:30, I still had a killer headache.  The Girl was sound asleep in her room and The Boy was in his room watching a movie.  The house was silent.  It was amazing.  I fell back asleep until 9:00, watched The Break-up, and went back to sleep until 6:00 this morning.

As I sit here, it is almost 1:00 p.m.  The kids are at school.  I have a HUGE to-do list.  And I'm still in my jammies...

I need to light a fire under my ass and get my house cleaned.  Ugh....  Like I said, I'm in a funk.

Bananas Are Bad For the Waistline... And the Thighs

We love bananas.  Every week, at the grocery store, we buy bananas.  We eat them on cereal, we mix them in yogurt, we have banana pancakes (with visions of Jack Johnson running through mom's head), we eat them plain.

Why, then, does it seem they are always going bad?  Every week, I find myself with bananas turning brown!  It doesn't matter how many or how few I buy, there are ALWAYS browning bananas.  So you know what I do?  The same thing any self-respecting mama worth her Kitchen-Aid mixer would do....  I BAKE!!

Banana bread, banana cake, banana cream pie, banana bars with peanut butter frosting!!!  AHHHH!!!  Stop the insanity!!!

You'd think I'd be sick of it by now, all the banana yummies.  But I can't stop eating them.  They're soooo  yummy.  I think it's time BFF plans an intervention...

Fabulous #3!

Ahh, The List...

One thing you must know about me is I am a HUGE sports fan.  I know there is a common joke that women choose their favorite team based on who they think the cutest player is.  If that were the case, I would love the Indianapolis Colts.  I, my friends, am a long-time (16 years), die hard fan of the greatest team EVER, the New England Patriots.

Which is how #3 came to be on the list.  Folks, I heart Adam Vinatieri.  I mean look at that smile!!  From 1996 - 2005, Adam was the kicker for NE.  He went to Indy in '06 and remains there to this day... sad panda...

His smile alone isn't the reason for my adoration.  Did you know that he is THE GREATEST place kicker in NFL history!?!?!  (Not an entirely subjective statement!) I mean really, how many place kickers have thrown for a touchdown?  And do you know of any place kickers that have decided the outcome of multiple Super Bowls?  I thought not.

In addition, he does have some pretty great commercials! 

He also has a Snickers commercial where he kicks a ball and knocks a satellite out of the sky.  It could happen..

One day this summer, in one commercial break, I saw a commercial for some gossip show with Brad, a trailer for The Proposal with Ryan, AND the Snickers commercial with Adam - CONSECUTIVELY.  My amazing son rewound them three times so I could watch them over and over.  That's love! (I've trained him well!)

So, here you have it folks, three more obligatory pictures of Future Ex-Husband #3...  Sadly, like #1 and #2, he is taken.  And like the others, there is a 100% chance that he will never know how beautiful I think he is...

There Was Life Before My Blackberry?!?!

My parents divorced shortly before my 15th birthday.  Upon the finalization of the divorce, Dad and Baby Brother moved to Chicago.  It sucked.

When I turned 16, my parents agreed that the best way for me to visit my dad and brother would be for me to drive there.  On my own. I wasn't even allowed to drive across the Minnesota River into Minneapolis (see "If you could change one rule your parents have for you, what would it be?"), but Chicago, here I came!

After much discussion, my parents decided that I needed some type of communication outlet in my car in case of an emergency.  After ruling out a CB radio (something about seedy semi-truck drivers and a 16 year-old, I dunno...), my mom and dad decided to venture into the new technology of...  Wait for it...  Wait for it...

CAR PHONES!!!!  (How cool is that!  At that point in my life, the only car phone I had ever seen was the one Punjab talked on in Daddy Warbucks' car when they were trying to rescue Annie from Rooster and Mrs. Hannigan!)  It looked something like this...

I know!  Cool, right!!!

Anyway, as time has passed, car phones have become obsolete.  And my inner snob required newer, greater, and cooler mobile communication methods.  After the car phone came the brick phone, then the flip phone, then (gasp) TEXT MESSAGING!  And from text messaging we've moved to having internet on our phones!! 

I've come to a sad realization.  If I spent more than a half hour away from my phone, I feel out of touch.  How on Earth did we survive before Blackberry?  Before text messaging?  Before cell phones?  And even before voice mail and answering machines?

Is there a cure for this addiction?  Will I ever be able to leave home without my phone and not panic?  I'd like to say I hope, but really, I'm not so hopeful.

Wannabe Hoochie Mama

Ok.  Not really.  But the thought did cross my mind.

As I've mentioned before, since being laid off, I've been bartending.  Usually that shoots to hell any opportunity for a social life...  Especially during the school year when babysitters aren't abundant.

BUT...

Saturday night, I'm going out...  Dancing.  I'm pretty excited.  I haven't been to a nightclub in YEARS!!  Like, at least 5 years.  Except for the time I took a 20 year-old girl I work with and her friend to an 18+ club downtown because they didn't know they way.  But that doesn't exactly count, because I was more in babysitter mode than girls night out mode.  I digress...

Granted, going out in downtown Minneapolis isn't like hitting the clubs in NYC, LA, or even Miami for that matter.  But clubs still have dress codes and people still dress up.  Herein lies my problem.  My closet isn't exactly stocked with nightclub clothes.  I have been shopping 3 times since making these plans to find something to wear with no success.  And it's not that I can't find something age appropriate or unskanky.  I cannot find ANYTHING!  I don't want to go out dancing in jeans or black pants!  I WANT A CUTE LITTLE BLACK DRESS!!!!  (Or any other flattering color for that matter!)

I'm going shopping again on Saturday afternoon.  I think I'm going to have to go to (gasp) The Mall of America!  Noooooooooo!!!!  I avoid that place like kids avoid broccoli!  (Actually, my kids love broccoli, but you know what I was getting at.)  What if I still can't find anything?  Is it possible for me to go shopping at THE largest indoor mall in this country and still come home empty handed?  And once I find something I think I like, how do I know I don't look like I'm trying too hard to look young(er than I am) and cute?

Ugh!  Is going out dancing really worth all of this stress?  Maybe I should just stay in with a bottle of wine... (Sigh)

Almost in Full Swing

As we all know, September is a month of beginnings.  In my family, September brings the beginning of school, the beginning of homework (and homework completion battles), the beginning of scouting, the beginning of fall (my favorite!), and the beginning of religion.

This year, the youth coordinator at our church sent out a questionaire for the kids to fill out prior to religion starting.  The questions were random, but great!  So, I'm going to answer....

1. If you could do something really heroic, what would you do?
Eliminate malpractice suits and insurance companies so healthcare could be afforable for all... (Think Little House on the Prairie style!)

2. What is your favorite thing that begins with the letter "H"?
I'm going to go with The Girl on this one and say HUGS

3. What are three jobs that you think might be really fun to have someday?

• Rock Star
• Food Critic
• Actress

4. If you could change one rule that your parents have set for you, what would it be?
(The Girl - she's 9 - said not being allowed to wear make-up.  The Boy said bedtime.)
I don't really remember having many rules as a kid (that I followed, anyway), but it always frustrated me that I wasn't allowed to drive north of the Minnesota River until I had my license for a year.  Really, Mom?!?  I can drive to Iowa?  Texas?  Nebraska?  Illinois?  But I'm not allowed to cross the river and go to Bloomington, Minneapolis, or St. Paul?  Brilliant!

5. Have you ever faced a bully?  How did you handle it?
I was married to a bully.  I left, at 4 months pregnant with our 2nd child.  He died when she was 6 months old.  We were still married, but divorce was inevitable had he not died...

6. If you could have any superpower, what would you have or what would you use?
Ooooh, this one ties in with Moxie Media's Writer's Workshop!  If I could have any superpower, it would be the ability to decipher bullshit and know the truth!  I would use it to determine when the kids a lying, to know a man's intentions, to know who extended the invitation when the drama llama comes to town, etc!  I would love this superpower to death, as it would safe me a lot of time and frustration in my home life, my dating life, and my friend life!

7. What is your favorite day of the year?  Why?
My favorite day of the year... Hmmm...  That's a toughie.  I don't know that it is a specific date.  My favorite day of the year is any day my amazing family of 3 can spend an entire day together having fun - and NO FIGHTING!  I love, love, love that day!

8. If you could invent anything you wanted, what would it be?
A money tree that bloomed frequently and could be harvested daily.

9. In your opinion, what is the most boring thing to do?  What is something you could do to make it more exciting?
The Most Boring...  I'm going to have to go with fold laundry.  Folding laundry is by far the bain of my existence.  I'm not really sure if it is possible to make it more fun.  Maybe if I had Mary Poppins' magical ability to play "Tidy Up the Nursery" and could change the name of the game to "Fold and Put Away All of the Laundry", then MAYBE it would be more exciting...  Maybe...

10. When you meet other kids for the first time, what is one thing you usually want to know about them right away?
Do you have an attractive, successful, and emotionally available single father?  Oh, wait!  I really want to know if they are kind to other people.  I don't like my kids hanging out with jerks.

11. If you could start your own company today, one that would be run entirely by kids, what would your business make and sell?
I'm pretty sure there are all kinds of labor laws that would not allow this to EVER happen (thanks a lot, Upton Sinclair), but a confectionary would be cool...

12. What is one thing you are pretty certain you will be good at when you get older?
I'm pretty ceratin I will still be darn good at baking (and eating what I bake) when I get older!

Hahaha!  That was fun!  You should try it!

Seriously!?!?! How Long Have You Been Using the Toilet?!?!

My kids do a lot of things.  Some are great, some are rotten, most are forgivable.  But honestly, there is one thing I just can't get over.

Flush the freaking toilet!!!!

Really, is it so difficult?!?!

I remember, years ago, when The Boy was potty training (truthfully, I don't remember much - BFF was my daycare provider and I think she potty trained both of the kids) he was afraid to flush the toilet.  The sound the toilet made was terrifying to him.  But really, at 10 1/2, I'm confident fear is not a factor any more.

Whenever I find the toilet in said condition, both children vehemently deny being the responsible party.  What do I have to do to get them to change this behavior?  Do I need to start hanging signs around the bathroom?  "Please remember to flush the toilet!"  Do they leave the toilet unflushed when they are at a friend's?

I remember when I was little, we had septic.  My dad had a saying that went, "If it's yellow, let it mellow.  If it's brown, flush it down." (You'll come to learn, Dad has lots of sayings.)  Gross!  I know!  But septic needs to be flushed, and dad thought that would limit the frequency in which he would have to call the septic guys.

WE DON'T HAVE SEPTIC!!  We are on a fully functional city sewer system!!! 

I guess I should feel fortunate that my kids aren't the type to throw things down the toilet, but really, they need to learn to flush.  It's disgusting and I can't stand it.  Argh...

You Go, Girl!

Since I lost my super fancy professional job in April 2008, I have been bartending at a bar and grill in my hometown.  I know, it's glamorous.  Don't be jealous.  I'll give you a minute to check that....

So!  Since I have been bartending, I have met so many young, fabulous women!  Some of them are mamas, some of them are not, but they're fabulous none-the-less. 

Tonight, I happen to be baby-sitting for one of the fabulous mamas.  She is currently involved in a child-support issue with baby-daddy #2, and isn't able to afford her normal evening childcare.  It's all good, though!  I'm home and happy to help out.  I mean, after all, her oldest is the same age as The Boy and having him here will definately limit the antagonism of The Girl.  AND, her youngest is the ripe old age of 13 months!!  Can we say FREAKING CUTE!!!  It's been years since I've had a baby!!!!  I digress...

So, Fab Mama was done with work at 9:00.  I get a phone call asking if I would mind if she stayed for a glass of wine with another of the fab women we work with.  I'm just putting the kids to bed and say, "Heck no!  Every mama needs some wine once in awhile!"  She's grateful.  I put four children to bed.

It's 10:45.  I've just wasted an hour and a half of my life watching Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (it just came out today, Matthew McConaughey is the same guy as he was in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days - that movie was good, this one isn't so much - I'll never get that 90 minutes back) and I have a text message from Fab Mama.  She is wondering if I would mind if she has a 2nd glass of wine.  I say, "Drink up, sister!"  Yep, even more grateful.

Truth is, I bartend on Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday nights.  The kids sleep over at the baby-sitter's those nights.  If I'm done with work at a reasonable hour, I'm gonna hit the town!  I am MORE than happy to allow a fellow mama the same opportunity!  Mamas need kid-free time!!!  Fab Mama called me just before I started this post.  She met a man a week ago.  He popped in to see her.  She wants to go chat him up for a bit.  My response?  "Honey, have fun and wake me when you come for your babies.  This mama is gonna get some sleep."  (Need to save my energy for my time to play!)

Big Fat Family Roadtrip

I know it seems that Spring Break is a long, long time away, but really it's right around the corner.  Last year, I had the insane great idea to plan a roadtrip with the kids.  Yes, just me and the kids.  Alone.  In a car.  For 12 days.  (Insert horror film music here.)

We had a GREAT time!!!  We drove from Minnesota...

(Hahaha, this is in Miss Lucinda's front yard in Bemidji.  WAAAAY north of me.)

To my Dad and Step-mom's in Chicagoland...  Thru Indiana...

(That's the water tower in Crown Point, IN.  I was born in that town.  I took the picture as I was driving by on the interstate.  The kids thought I was crazy, but hey, I came from there...  Many, many, many years ago.)

We drove through Kentucky (I had no idea it is so pretty there!), and ended up in Nashville for a night. (Definately a place I'd like to take a grown-up trip!)  From there we went to Chattanooga, TN/Rock City, GA. 

We went to Atlanta and saw Stone Mountain, which is super cool!  If you've ever seen Mt. Rushmore, you HAVE to see Stone Mountain!  It is so much bigger!  And the coolest part is taking a Swiss cable car to the top of the mountain and walking around!  (Despite what Hollywood tells you, you can't do that at Mt. Rushmore.  Disappointing, I know!)

(Three important Confedrate guys.)                   (1,683 feet above sea level!)

From there, we spent 2 days in Orlando.  We did the usual, Disney World!  We had been there once before as a family and had a great time.  This time was equally as amazing.  Even at the ripe "old" age of 31, I LOVE Disney!  And from Disney, we headed to FarAwayGrandma's house in Ft. Myer's.

We went to the beach, spent time with MY grandma, played at FarAwayGrandma's pool, drove the golf cart, and the piece de resistance....  Went on a pirate ship!!!  Ok, so it was a commercial pirate ship manned by men dressed up as pirates, but we really went for a ride in the Gulf of Mexico, and it was super cool! (And they had a full bar and my mom was driving!!!  So I got to have a couple beers!)

On the trek home, we drove back through Georgia, through Alabama (I saw Talladega!), and Mississippi (on a road that doesn't exist, according to my dad's GPS), to Memphis!  In Memphis, we went to Graceland (which was awesome!).  Sadly, I have no pictures of that, as the aforementioned camera was new and I didn't know how to turn off the flash...  Sad panda...

We were going to stop in St. Louis to see the arch, but I decided that I was ready to get home and sleep in my own bed.  So, in all of my insanity brillance, I decided to drive straight through from Memphis (we left at 2pm) home.  Somewhere around Peoria, I decided I was probably going to need some help staying awake.  I stopped and purchased 3 Monster drinks (I don't drink energy drinks.  Yuck!) and 4 rolls of Spree candy.  I pulled into my driveway at 4am and was sound asleep in my own bed by 4:15!!!  (I had gut rot for a week after all of that sugar!!)

So, after all of that, the point of this story is to tell you that I've begun to toss around ideas for a 2nd Annual Big Fat Family Roadtrip.  The Girl wants to go to Ireland (cough, cough).  I told her if she can come up with money for airfare, I'd be happy to pay for the rest.  Otherwise, I'm trying to plan an equally exciting roadtrip for 3 to somewhere in these great United States!  Wish me luck!

A Place for Everything and Everything in Its Place

In theory, everything should have a place. In reality, theory doesn't work so well for me. I long to have a home that would make even the Flylady jealous. (http://www.flylady.net/; She's amazing and gives step by step lists and tips to keep your house clean and organized. I just have a hell of a time staying on task.) Whenever I visit Baby Brother, I suffer intense pangs of jealousy because my amazing sister-in-law (Wonder Woman) keeps a spotless house (she's a SAHM of 4 boys). I wish I knew how she did it. On days like today, I kick myself for not getting on board.

In March, having lost my camera to The Girl's sticky fingers and inability to ask permission to use things, I had to buy a new camera for our Big Fat Family Roadtrip. After countless threats on her life, I thought for sure The Girl would leave this camera alone. No such luck. (I don't know why I'm always surprised.) So, I went to use my camera today. I was really excited to take a picture of the glass bead I made this weekend (Yes, I made it!!!), for a blog I was going to write. I had the bead all set up, ready to take the pictures and WTH! The camera is flashing, making beeping noises, and doing other nutty stuff!

ARGH!!! That Girl!!!!

The Girl, in her quest to play with all things that don't belong to her, has pushed buttons and changed settings and I don't know how to fix it!!! Now, if I, like the title says, had a place for everything and everything in its place, I would simply go get my instruction manual and fix the settings on the camera. Simple. No issues. Problem solved. But I don't.

I remember seeing the instruction manual recently. So now I sit and brainstorm about it's potential location. While I'm frustrated beyond belief with The Girl's inability to keep her paws off, I'm even more frustrated that despite my best intentions (Remember what Dad says about good intentions?) I have no idea in which pile, room, or drawer this desperately needed manual is in.

Ooooh..... Maybe I saw it in my closet.....

The Future Ex-Husbands List (a.k.a. The List)

So, I realized that I made mention of The List a few days ago, but neglected to fill you in on what that is. So here I go....

Years and years ago, pre-mommyhood, when I was in college, I lived with two of my best friends from high school and three more people we met in our first year at school. They were all guys. As a young woman, living with five guys was at times entertaining and other times infuriating. It never failed, we would be at some crazy fun party, hotties abound, and one of my FABULOUS roommates would pull a big brotherly cock block on me. I'd be chatting up some yummy young thing, thinking, "Is this my next Mr. Wonderful?" when out of the blue I'd have an arm around me, and one of five wonderful men saying, "Baby, where've you been all night?" ARGH!!! How's a girl ever supposed to find a man that way?!?!?! But that's a whole other Oprah...


Another amazing advantage of living with five hormonal, post adolescent men was endless exposure to the flawless women of Playboy and frequent, in-depth dialogues about who the hottest famous women were. This, my friends, is how The Future Ex-Husbands List was born. Tiring of listening to all the ways these fantastically beautiful women were superior to me, I decided to give the guys a taste of what I'd been hearing from them...


It started out simply enough. I would find pictures of incredibly hot movies stars, leave them laying around, and when one of the guys would ask, I would give him the laundry list of why this hotty was so super fantastic.


So, my friends, The List began. While The List is neverending, and my future ex-husbands are not listed in any particular order, I do have a Top 3. So today, I will present you with #2. I know, I know, "Why #2?" you ask. "Why aren't we going to start with #1?" The answer is simple. We all secretly have indulged ourselves in countless photos and fantasies of #1 for years. There is really nothing I could post that you haven't already seen. #1 is the beautiful father of 6, life partner of Angelina Jolie, Mr. Brad Pitt....

So, #2!

The one and only, incredibly beautiful uber hotty from Canada, Ryan Reynolds. YUM!!!!! Look at him! So yummy, so gorgeous! Did I mention that he has a voice that is like velvet? And ohmygosh!! The sarcastic wit he has in almost every roll he takes! SWOON!!!




My obsession with this man began innocently enough in 1998, when Ryan thoughtfully graced our televison as the careless smart ass named Berg on Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Parlor. I was hooked! I mean really! Is it possible for a man to look that good, be that sarcastic, and not be a total douchebag! I was in LOVE!!! (Or like? Or maybe it's just good old fashioned lust... Really, who cares?) But little did I know, that this sarcastic uber hotty had a bod to beat all bods (except for maybe Brad Pitt in Fight Club, but that's unnaturally hot).

Needless to say, there's a 100% chance that I will never be able to indulge in my fantasies with future ex-husband #2, especially since he went and got himself married to the perfectly beautiful Scarlett Johanssen, but.... A girl can dream, can't she?

The Joys of Children

My head is going to explode.

Really.

The Girl's therapist*, Sanity Support (SS), met us at home after school today. After school was starting out WAY better than before school. There was no fighting, no name calling, no antagonizing. I knew it was too good to be true.

SS was in The Girl's room with her. I'm not entirely sure what they were doing, but it was quiet and I was happy. It allowed time for The Boy and me to do some research on a charter school he is interested in attending next year. I don't really know what happened, but the next thing I know, The Girl is flailing across my bed screaming about a broken necklace. SS was as confused as I.

The tantrum escalated, and The Girl had somehow locked us out of the house and was throwing flashlights and picture frames at The Boy. SS and I stood at the window watching helplessly. The Boy, knowing that putting his hands on his sister (or any other girl, for that matter) is strictly forbidden, is skillfully dodging the figurative bullets. While The Girl was distracted with her target, I snuck around the side of the house and removed the sliding screen door to gain access to my home. Success!!! I grabbed The Girl and The Boy ran to the front door and let SS in!

After an hour of screaming and crying about a broken necklace, not being able to walk to school, not being allowed to cross the major road near our home when The Boy is allowed to (he went for a bike ride to calm down from his near death experience), not being able to find Softy (an old shirt that belonged to my late husband and she uses as a security blanket), and having a headache (all that screaming and crying will do that), one of her friends comes to the door. The Girl is miraculously cured of all her woes! "Mom! Can I go play!?!?"

Before giving permission, I quicky run through safety rules of playing outside. Her active mind is frequently clouded by the impulsivity and lack of concern for consequences that plagues most ODD children. After the obligatory eye rolls and "I know, Mom! Gosh!"'s, The Girl is out the door. Honestly, I know that I should know better, but I was truly upset when not more than 5 minutes later I find her crossing the street in the direction of her friend's house without having asked permission to go. (Safety Rule #3 - Children are not permitted to go to or into a friend's house without permission.) SS wishes me luck and a better evening and leaves.

While this is only a taste of my exciting evening, (yes, it got worse before it got better, but that's a whole other Oprah) I have a hard time sitting here remaining ticked off. Yes, I'm pretty sure my head is going to explode. Yes, I'd absolutely love a pitcher or two of margaritas, or maybe even a couple bottles of wine. But like I always tell myself, there is always someone out there that has it worse.

So we missed church choir practice tonight. So what. God forgives us. The Girl would have been more disruptive than participative anyway. Choir Director would be grateful for my choice not to go.

Homework is done, to the best of my knowledge. The Girl is in her room enjoying some alone time with Enya and The Three Amigos. The Boy is downstairs with the latest Spiderwick book and Chowder. Mom is having some "Mom Time" and all is quiet on the home front.

Life is good.

* The Girl was diagnosed in 2006 with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD). We have struggled for years searching for medications that help her impulse control and behavior and have yet to find one that helps without side effects. She has had multiple in-patient hospital stays, as well as therapy in an out-patient setting and in-home. We are currently exploring homeopathic and natural alternatives to treating her symptoms. I refuse to allow a diagnosis to define my daughter, and will be by her side fighting this battle for as long as necessary.

Waiting For the Laundry Fairy

I have laundry up to my eyeballs. That isn't a figurative statement. Not only is my hamper overflowing, The Boy has laundry obstructing the entry of his domain (and stacked as high as his bottom bunk), and The Girl has no clothing-free space on her floor. It doesn't stop there, though. In the hallway, in front of the laundry area, there are two more overflowing hampers in front of the washing machine. Did I mention the washer and dryer are both empty?

Really, in all honesty, I don't mind washing laundry. Sorting, separating, loading the washer, moving clothes to the dryer, loading the washer again... I don't mind any of that. So why? Why is there so much laundry? It's simple, really. Folding and putting away.

I am currently engaged in a seemingly never ending cycle of moving clean clothes from the bed (to fold) to the baskets (yes, multiple). This cycle has been repeating itself over and over again for at least a week. Each morning, with good intention (P.S. My Dad says the road to hell is paved with good intention.), I dump multiple baskets full (heaping) onto my bed, planning to fold them before I pick the kids up from school. Each night, I reload the baskets, removing the clothes from my bed so I can crawl in and attempt to sleep (whole other Oprah). For the first few days, I felt bad, maybe a little guilty. After all, the linen closet is completely absent of any towels. Today, however, no guilt. As I write, I am staring at the mountain of clothes, convincing myself there is no time to fold it all. Not when I have to pick the kids up at 3:00. Not when I have to work at 5:00.

I would say maybe tomorrow, but I really have no intention. Maybe Monday? Keep your fingers crossed....

What Should Be Simple Pleasures...

Yesterday, the new X-Men movie came out. As we are all huge X-Men fans, I thought it would be a great treat to head over to the Red Box and rent it. On a school night. So I did.

Honestly, I don't know why I try to watch movies with the kids. The Boy, a self-proclaimed expert in EVERYTHING, spent the entire movie talking. Every new character that was introduced was provided a backstory. ("Oh! Mom! That's Sabertooth! He's Wolverine's brother!" ) And each and every storyline was critiqued. ("What! That's not how that is supposed to happen! That's not what the story in the books is!") Repeatedly I find myself unable to hear any of the dialogue or following the plot. Repeatedly I find myself saying, "Boy! Stop talking! Watch the movie!"

Then there is The Girl. While she is considerably more annoyed with The Boy than I, she isn't repeatedly telling him to can it. Instead, she's interrogating me. "What just happened? Who is that? What does that mean?" Argh!! Really!?!? I'm confident she knows the movie was just released today. She is also very aware that I, like her, did not see it in the theatre. Taking a deep breath, I say to her, "Girl, I've seen just as much as you. You know everything I know."

Needless to say, all I know about the new X-Men movie is exactly what I knew prior to renting it. 1). I really want to see it. 2). Ryan Reynolds (#2 on The List) is freaking HOT!!!

Note to self: Watch all movies you really want to see after the kids are in bed. They can watch it later.

Day One

After years of contemplation, I've decided the best coping mechanism for life is talking about it. Unfortuantely, people think I'm crazy or making up stories when I talk about the things I need to get off my chest the most. I know I am not the only woman who goes through life thinking, "Really?!?! That just happened?" So, here it goes!



I dropped the kids off at school at the usual time, 8:20. I swear, not more than 10 minutes later my phone was ringing. It was The Girl. The teacher wanted to talk to me... Turns out, The Girl had a cigarette on the playground. But that's not all. When the boy she was showing it too went to tell someone, she quickly covered his mouth and wapped him on the head to prevent him from talking.



Needless to say, I'm all kinds of ticked off. A). Why does my 4th grader have a cigarette? B). Why are we hitting? Argh!!! The bell hasn't even rung!!! The teacher informs me that the principal is not yet in the building and she is unaware of what the consequences will be. I consult the school handbook and determine the consequence will be 1 - 3 days suspension. I drive directly to the school.



The teacher is on the phone with the principal. The Girl is not being suspended. (She will miss recess - for hitting, and she will be picking up garbage on the playground - humilation!?! AWESOME!) All parties involved agree on said consequences (except The Girl), I go home, exhausted. It's not even 9 a.m. I can hardly wait for the afterschool excitement!