My Dirty Little Secret

I read a quote recently that went like this ~



Source



Per my recent norm, it made me stop and evaluate some things in my life.

It also made me want to come clean. You see, I have a confession to make.

Over the years I have talked freely about the mental illness that took my husband's life almost 11 years ago.

I have made it no secret that my precious daughter struggles daily with several different mental health diagnoses.

I have even mentioned that my know-it-all son is afflilcted with ADHD.

However, my friends, I have never once opened up to you about me...

I've never once told you about the days on end I have spent holed up in my bedroom - until my best friend literally dragged me out and forced me to shower.

I have never shared with you my frequent bouts with self-loathing, my sometimes suicidal ideations, and thoughts of what a better place the world would be in my absence.

I can't think of a single time I have mentioned my nights in the ER because the tightness and pain in my chest was so horrible, I thought I was dying. In reality I was sufferin massive panic attacks.

I don't talk about these things because I'm ashamed. For so long I have had to hold it together for the benefit of my kids. I tell myself, they didn't choose to be born into an only parent household. They deserve a chance at a normal childhood. They need a mom who has it all together.

So I put on the mask of resilience, and I forge through each day playing the part of the mom I think my kids deserve and the part of the woman I think everyone expects me to be.

But sometimes the mask suffocates, and sometimes the part is lacking a good script. It's in those times I feel my world caving in around me. I fear that I will be discovered. That my secret will get out. That someone will know that I am far from the emotionally and mentally stable person I portray myself to be, that I'm a fraud. I fear that someone will sweep in and take my kids from me, declaring me unfit to give them their best chance.

So I cry it out. I have my panic attacks. I withdraw from the world for a little while. And I regroup.

And after the intermission, I begin the next act.

But I can't keep the secret anymore. The pain in my chest comes more frequently these days. My temper is shorter. I find satisfaction in things - simple or grand - less and less. I am beginning to realize that despite my greatest performances, I am not Super Woman. I can't fight the evil wizard, slay the dragon, and rescue the princess all by myself.

Depression is an ugly disease that causes you to believe you are less than you are. It convinces you that you deserve less than the joy God intended for you.

I have been fighting it alone for years, unbeknownst to my children, my parents, my family, and many of my close friends. But I refuse to let it steal any more life from me. I have decided it is time to face this demon head on, to fight it, and to win, so that I am able to give my kids their best chance. And so I can finally have mine.

Ain't Goin' Nowhere

Recently I have had a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I look around me and I see so many loose ends I have left unfinished.  As I evaluate my life, I am realizing that this seems to be a consistent trend throughout my life.  There are so many things I have started I haven't seen through to the end.

Some may call me a quitter, unmotivated, lazy, or undriven.  I don't see myself as any of those things.  I see myself as distracted.

At the young age of 23, I was left alone to care for 2 small children.  While I adamantly claim to not let my role as the only parent of two define my life, as I reflect, I see that I have been lying to myself.  So many of my hopes and dreams for my life have been pushed to the wayside to accomodate the hopes and dreams of the young idealists living in my home.  My time, after all, has passed.  This is their time to rise and shine and to chase their dreams across the landscapes of their lives.  Or is it?  Does it really have to be that way?  Do I really have to forego my dreams to facilitate theirs?

When I started this blog in September of 2009, I was hoping to create a place to share my life and interact with people who may relate to me.  At some point I feel I lost my funny and began to feel like the things I wanted to share really weren't so interesting. 

I met people who had lost children or were unable to conceive children and stopped feeling comfortable sharing my exasperation with mine.  Yes, my ADHD/ODD daughter is a handful and very frequently exhausting, but she is mine, and she is a gift.

I stopped dating  around and developed a relationship with a man that wants to be a part of my and my children's lives.  As the relationship grew and boundaries were tested, I chose to not share details of "us" as to not betray his trust.

So what then was left for me to blog about?  After all, Only Parent Chronicles was to be about parenting alone and dating!

It's no secret that through blogging, I have developed a tightly knit group of friends I call the Bishes.  Just last night I mentioned to them that I was going to step away from blogging for awhile.  Honestly, I felt as though I really didn't have anything left to share.

Today, I received a text message from a person very dear to my heart.  It said, "ur a great person and deal with so much stuff u need to at least make urself happy. can u promise me that u will think hard about what that will take and not be scared to make the changes needed?" That's when it hit me.  There are so many things I love to do.  For so long, I have put those things on a shelf and put myself second to my children.  Yes, my children are my priority and yes, providing for them and nuturing their dreams is my job. But does it really have to be in lieu of mine?  There are things I want in this life that I do not currently have, but I do have the means to get there.  I am a smart, fun, and creative woman.  Just like I tell my kids, if there is something I want in life, I can have it.  I just have to be willing to put in the work.  No more loose ends, no more unfinished business.  This blog included.  I will not be stepping away from blogging.  I love my blog and I love my home in Blognia.  Blogging makes me happy.

That said, my 1st blogoversary is September 15.  I'm crazy excited!  To celebrate, I am hoping to host a celebratory Twitter Party.  In addition, I am hoping to have giveaways and other fun, celebratory stuff going on.  If you would like to participate by sponsoring my party or offering a giveaway of some sort, please contact me.  In the meantime, I am going to be putting together details and working on other stuff that makes me happy.  Happy mama = happy kiddos, after all!

Feelings of Eh

Someone I once loved said to me, "I know you let me in as far as you could and it was great.  I can only imagine how amazing it will be when you finally find someone you can let all the way in."  And that was it.  I haven't talked to that person since December.  I miss him.  He knew me better than anyone.  So far.

I struggle with relationships.  I have been called a saboteur, a commitment phobe, a tease...  You name it.  I have difficulty letting people in.

I have been dating The Man since November.  He is awesome. I currently feel myself pulling away.  I really can't think of any reason for my blahs.  He is kind and doting and he is wonderful to me and my kids.  The difficult part is he knows that something is up. 

It is surprising to me that in such a short time, this man has learned so much about me.  He can tell if I'm off by a tone in my voice, a look on my face, or even the way I touch him or react to his touch.  I have tried to explain to him that my behavior has nothing to do with him.  He has told me that he doesn't want to lose me.  How do I say to him I am working through my thoughts of pushing him away without him freaking out?  How do I explain that my defense mechanisms want so badly to send him packing and my heart wants so badly not to let him go?  How do you continue to protect yourself as you continue to open up and let someone in?

I hate that I am afraid.  I hate that my fears have pushed away more than one great man.  I hate that I feel myself doing it again. 

What am I running from?  Do I not feel worthy of a good man?  Or am I worried that once he is around long enough, he will hurt and disappoint me as much as my husband did? 

These questions have haunted every relationship I have been in over the last 9 years.  An amazing woman and fantastic friend told me last night, "It's a relief when you stop trying to be strong all by yourself. I finally told myself, what's the worst that could happen? I get my hear broken?  I had already done that.  I survived. I could do it again."

Can I do it again?  And even if I am capable of doing it again, do I want to?  It is so much easier to keep all of the fragile little bits of me locked up tightly inside, allowing out only the pieces I am most comfortable with.  These are definitely things I need to consider.  After almost a decade of keeping up my guard, letting it down will be a challenge...  If that is a challenge I think I am up for...

Not My Kids

I will never claim to be the perfect mother.  I am so far from it.  In all honesty, some days I wonder how we all made it through alive.  I'm not even kind of exaggerating.  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids.  They are my everything.  That doesn't me there are days that I don't like them.

The Girl has multiple mental/behavioral health diagnosis.  She has been in both in and out patient treatment facilities.  We have done trial and error with every schedule II drug known to the pharmaceutical community.  (I think we have finally found one that helps.)  I have literally had my ass kicked by her multiple times, have called the police on her more than once, have had the police called on me, and have been with her to many, many, many therapists.  As frustrated and angry, as hurt and heart broken as I get with her, there is no limit to how far I will go to keep her safe.  She is my world.

The Boy is a narcissistic know it all with zero humility.  He is witty, smart, funny, loving, and infuriating.  Although the problems I have with him pale in comparison to those with The Girl, they are still overwhelming.  He reminds me of me.  A lot.  He can be sharp tongued and nasty, but again, there is no limit to my love.  He is my world.

On Tuesday nights, I babysit the two children of Fab Mama, one of the women I work with...  My home is also frequently Kid-a-Palooza.  The Girl's BF lives across the field from us.  The BF has an older and a younger sister who also spend a ton of time here.  I adore these girls.  Their mother, on the other hand, I'm not so sure about.

Every school morning, the BF comes over around 7:00 a.m.  We do not have bus service to our school, so I drive my kids.  The BF was supposed to be a walker, but since I am already going that way, I offered to drive her.  A couple weeks into the school year, she started asking for rides home, too.  Except that home was my house.  Often times she (and her older sister) are here after school.  At least 3 days a week, the little sister gets dropped off here around 5:00 p.m. to play - by their mother. 

While I am fine with all of the kids playing here, the mother has not really ever spoken with me about this.  Every morning, I feed her 4th grader breakfast.  Several days a week, I serve as an after school play center for her 4th and 6th graders.  In addition to that, she drops her 4 year-old off here when she comes home from work.  There is no communication regarding when the girls should come home, and many days they all eat dinner here.

Tonight, the 4th and 6th grader are spending the night.  The 4th grader has come down a few times complaining of a headache.  I have called the mother, I have texted the mother - multiple times.  She has not responded once.  WTH!  How can I in good conscience give any medicine to this poor girl if her freaking mother won't call me back?!?!?  I'm pissed!  I don't want to not let these girls into my home because their mother is a flake, but she needs to call me back!!! 

I'm hoping that someone out there in the blogosphere can offer me up some advice....

I Have A Problem

I had to deplete my savings plan/vacation fund coin jar today.

My checking account will be -$515 if I don't get to the bank before 3:00.

ARGH!!!!!

I have a problem.  I have the money to put in there, but like I said, that requires me cashing in my coin.  I'm writing myself an I.O.U.  Hopefully I pay it back.

But that isn't my problem.  My problem is, I like to buy expensive stuff... 

I have an extensive blue jean habit.  Which would probably be okay if the jeans didn't cost $140 a pair.  Or if I could settle for just one pair when I was shopping.  Or, better yet, if I could just get it through my thick effing skull that in excess of two dozen pairs of blue jeans is MORE than enough for any woman and I don't even wear half of them so I have NO business buying any more.

But that isn't the extent of it.  I also have a make up habit.  And we're not talking drug store make up.  I think I'd be doing a heck of a lot better if I were satisfied running to the local CVS and picking up a few different varieties of Wet n' Wild eye shadow...  But no...  In the last, oh, maybe 45 days, I've spent around $300 at the MAC counter at Macy's.  WTH!?!?!?  Apparently I don't have enough shades of eye shadow.

I am a master rationalizer, too.  I keep telling myself, "You're not charging it.  You are debt free (except for the mortgage).  If you want it, buy it."  UGH!!!  NO!!!!  I need to stop spending my damn money!!!

When The Chef and I were together, he did a really great job of reeling me back in from my insane shopping binges.  It was not uncommon for me to come home with new Kate Spade or Coach handbags, or a whole pile of North Face vests in miscellaneous colors. I have an extensive collection of designer boots and sneakers.  But I have to stop.  I am finding myself falling back into an old pattern of over-indulgence and I don't like it.   

I have already made up my mind that I will not be going back to work full time (The over indulging wouldn't be so bad if I made more than a pittance bartending wage.) so I can go back to school in the spring.  So now I just need to have my head extracted from my ass and get back on the budget program. 

*Pep talks requested.  Keep my ass in line!*

Super Slacker!!!

Hello my bloggy friends! I want to apologize for being such a slacker this weekend!  I honestly have been a terrible bloggy friend.  Not only did no one hear from me all weekend, but I haven't read a single post from anyone since Friday *lowering head shamefully*.  I have no excuse, except maybe lack of sleep, but that's a whole other Oprah.  (Don't go getting any ideas out there, I behaved!)

I want to apologize to my girlfriends for not having any super sexy posts of one of the very yummy men that graces The List yesterday.  I promise to make up for it.  Right now!

I'm confident that some of you out there may gasp when you read my next statement, BUT....

Who needs Captain Jack Sparrow when you have Will Turner!?!?!?

Can you say YUM!!!

What is it about the apparently brooding man that is probably no good for you that is so enticing?  I've always wondered.  But really?  Look at this man!

It looks as though there is plenty of room for me to snuggle up tight with him and his puppy dawg.

And what an intense stare.  Orlando, your eyes say it all.

Mmmmmmmmm....

I know this post isn't super content worthy.  I wonder how many times I used the word super in this post.  I'll have to go back and count...  I promise to be back later this afternoon with something less drool inducing.  In the meantime, happy fantasies (except for you, Mike ; ) ) and I be back later...  I have some reading to do!

I'm a Yeller

I'm a yeller.  My dad was a yeller, his mom was a yeller.  We have generations of yellers in our family.

I have read tons of books on parenting.  I've read books on understanding ADHD and ODD.  I've read books on natural consequences.  I have read books on conflict resolution.  And I have read books on coping with "spirited children".  In the years my family has been working with therapists, I have been provided with a tons of parental coaching to learn how to not yell.

Today, I read a couple of articles about yelling and the effect on children. Dr. Janet Taylor says that yelling contributes to higher rates of delinquency and psychological problems.  An article in the New York Times says that yelling may be the new spanking.  It says that two-thirds of the people interviewed on the topic say yelling is their biggest guilt inducer.  Yelling.  Not spanking.  Not missing a school event.  Not working too much.  Yelling.

I guess I'm in the minority third.  Now, if while yelling, I were berating my child and tearing them apart as a person, I would most likely feel guilty.  But I'm not.  Thanks to parental coaching, I have learned how to identify at what point I'm going to flip my lid.  In therapy, my kids created a scale, the Anger Scale.  It's a 0-5 scale they created to identify different levels of frustration.  We all use it, albeit none of us are 100% consistent.  When I get to a 5, I'm yelling.  My kids are warned when I get to a 2.  They get a stern knock it off at 3.  At 4, they are warned that I've reached my last straw.  They are given MANY chances to change their behaviors before I blow.  Why on Earth would I feel guilty if they have chosen to squander their chances to make better choices?  Isn't it my job as their mom to teach them to be accountable for their actions?  They know the series of events.  They know what happens when mom reaches her boiling point.  They need to learn how to use their warnings and change their behaviors before I get to that point.

Again, if I were calling them names, that would be bad.  If I were screaming hate-filled things that was demoralizing and hurtful, that would be uncalled for.  What I am doing is screaming.  I'm screaming things like, "How many flipping times do you need to be told to knock it off?!?!" or "Honestly!  Did you not hear me when I told you I am beyond frustrated with your actions right now?!?!?" or "Really!  You're going to keep doing that after you have been repeatedly told to cut it out?!?!"

Someone please explain to me how that is psychological aggression?  I think that their unwillingness to change their behavior and continue tormenting me and often times one another is far more detrimental to all of our psyches than me hollering at them for it.  Anyone else care to weigh in on this?  Am I out of my mind?  Am I causing irreversible damage to the two most important people in my world?

Boycott Thursdays

I hate Thursdays.  See that uber grumpy face on that otherwise adorable teddy bear?  That's my face on a Thursday morning. 

Don't get me wrong, Thursday has never really ever done anything to me.  I just really don't like it.  See, I bartend on Wednesday nights.  When I get home, it is generally around 2:00 a.m.  I need normally about another half hour to wind down, putting me in bed by 2:30.  My alarm goes off at 6:30.  Ugh.

The babysitter drops my kids and her son (Little Buddy) off at 7:00.  The Girl's BFF shows up around 7:05.  I get to make breakfast for 4 kids and have 3 of them to school by 8:20.  All I want to do is sleep.

Today, The Boy stayed home from school.  He and Little Buddy watched cartoons while my lazy arse slept on the couch.  The Boy even made lunch from Little Buddy and himself.  They woke me at 12:00 to take Little Buddy to school.  So here I sit, still in my jammies, a half a pot of coffee in me, telling you how much I hate Thursday.  Thanks for listening ;)

It's An Award! Honest!

Last night, as I was getting ready for bed, I received a comment from my bloggy friend FeliciaE over at Living Just Like Grandma.  She wanted to let me know show had bestowed the honor of an award on me.  I got really excited!  I mean, really?!?!?  Who doesn't LOVE awards?!? (If you say you don't, I'm calling you a big, fat liar!)  Even more exciting, it's the Honest Scrap award.  I don't know who started this award, but I've been DYING to get it!  Weird, I know, but I love, love, love the graphic.  Call me crazy...  So thank you SOOOO  much Felicia!  I will display it proudly!

Here are the rules:

1.) Present this award to 7 others whose blogs I find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged me.

2.) Tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

3.) Share "10 Honest Things" about myself.

So, here it goes!!!

Daffy at Batcrap Crazy - She's a new bloggy friend.  I know she already has this award, but she makes me laugh, so I'm awarding her again.

Nancy at If Evolution Really Works - Again, I know she already has this one, but she cracks me up and I wanted to show her a little love and gratitude.

Leigh at Leigh vs. Laundry - What can I say?  I mean really?  A pegasus in the salsa?  She's gotta be amazing to be raising a kid with an imagination like that!

Charmaine at Middle Aged Dating - You've gotta love a woman that bulldozes an ungrateful's place...  Hehehe!  Can I borrow your bulldozer, please?

Lisa Anne at Smell the Coffee Lisa - One again, she already has this award, but since I've been following her, I've come to the conclusion there is nothing this woman can't do!

Lunhatikk at Attitude of Gratitude - Not only is it damn hard to be that grateful all of the time, she is a kick arse face/body painter.

Amy at My LaLa Land - An adorable, 20-something, non-mommy blogger I heart.

Now for 10 Honest Things About Myself

1. I never wanted to be a mom, but my kids are my whole world and the force that drives my lazy butt out of bed every day.  They are the cheese to my macaroni.

2. I am involved in animal rescue, mostly bully breeds, and have had over 100 different foster dogs in the last 10 years.  Check out Underdog Rescue.  It was started and is run by my friend Shannon.

3. I was laid off last April (2008).  I have no desire to go back to work full time.

4. I'm looking into going back to school in the spring.  I always wanted to be a veterinarian.  Marriage and kids halted that...

5. I am a movie junkie.  I own over 300 DVDs, still have an extensive VHS collection, AND DVR tons of movies weekly.  Being an only parent only enables this addiction.  (Hey!  It's better than crack!)

6. I love trying new beers.  When I travel, I always try local or regional microbrews.  My favorite beer (currently) is Spotted Cow from New Glarus, WI.

7. I am a REALLY BIG DORK.  I love sci-fi and fantasy.  I watch Star Wars (The Clone Wars cartoons), read Tolkien, and love things like The Dark Crystal.

8. I was supposed to get married this year (10.17.09 to be exact).  My ex-beau (Chef) is 7 years younger than me and is probably one of my best friends in the whole wide world.  I love him very much but think he is too young to settle down.

9. I have two brothers.  Redneck Brother and Baby Brother.  Redneck Brother lives about 15 minutes away from me and I see him maybe  a dozen times a year.  His wife was diagnosed with breast cancer last week.  Please pray for them.  Baby Brother lives in Chicagoland with his wife (Wonder Woman).  They are high school sweethearts and have 4 B-E-A-Utiful boys that I adore.

10. I believe that my husband's death was a blessing in disguise.  Some feel that is callus, but I don't care.  My kids don't have to live with his demons and broken promises.  I think that is far healthier than having a crackhead dad that pops in and out at his convenience leaving a wake of heartache in his path.

So, that's that!  Check out the 7 fabulous women I listed above and have an amazing day!

Confessions

I have a confession to make.

Although I have been fighting The Sickness, I haven't exactly been doing all I can to expedite the healing process.  A week ago Saturday, Miss Lucinda had tickets to go see an amazing band called The Gaslight Anthem at the Cabooze in Minneapolis.

As I had already taken the night off of work and Miss Lucinda already had tickets to the sold out show, I couldn't see not going.  It was amazing.  There were three opening bands, Frank Turner, The Loved Ones, and Murder by Death.  If you've not heard any of them, I recommend checking them out.

We were crazy close to the stage for The Gaslight Anthem.  I had the unfortunate experience of getting caught up in the first mosh pit I've experienced since sometime in the 90's.  I'm not really sure why, as The Gaslight Anthem isn't really a moshing kind of band.  Check out this link below for thier song "Great Expectations".  It's one of my favorites by them.



And of course, what super close up live music experience is complete without a few pictures....