Friday, February 19, 2010

Feelings of Eh

Someone I once loved said to me, "I know you let me in as far as you could and it was great.  I can only imagine how amazing it will be when you finally find someone you can let all the way in."  And that was it.  I haven't talked to that person since December.  I miss him.  He knew me better than anyone.  So far.

I struggle with relationships.  I have been called a saboteur, a commitment phobe, a tease...  You name it.  I have difficulty letting people in.

I have been dating The Man since November.  He is awesome. I currently feel myself pulling away.  I really can't think of any reason for my blahs.  He is kind and doting and he is wonderful to me and my kids.  The difficult part is he knows that something is up. 

It is surprising to me that in such a short time, this man has learned so much about me.  He can tell if I'm off by a tone in my voice, a look on my face, or even the way I touch him or react to his touch.  I have tried to explain to him that my behavior has nothing to do with him.  He has told me that he doesn't want to lose me.  How do I say to him I am working through my thoughts of pushing him away without him freaking out?  How do I explain that my defense mechanisms want so badly to send him packing and my heart wants so badly not to let him go?  How do you continue to protect yourself as you continue to open up and let someone in?

I hate that I am afraid.  I hate that my fears have pushed away more than one great man.  I hate that I feel myself doing it again. 

What am I running from?  Do I not feel worthy of a good man?  Or am I worried that once he is around long enough, he will hurt and disappoint me as much as my husband did? 

These questions have haunted every relationship I have been in over the last 9 years.  An amazing woman and fantastic friend told me last night, "It's a relief when you stop trying to be strong all by yourself. I finally told myself, what's the worst that could happen? I get my hear broken?  I had already done that.  I survived. I could do it again."

Can I do it again?  And even if I am capable of doing it again, do I want to?  It is so much easier to keep all of the fragile little bits of me locked up tightly inside, allowing out only the pieces I am most comfortable with.  These are definitely things I need to consider.  After almost a decade of keeping up my guard, letting it down will be a challenge...  If that is a challenge I think I am up for...

14 comments:

Just Another Momma said...

awww it really hurts to have these feelings but honestly sometimes you've just got to jump in. I know first hand how scary it is and the ones I let go but I decided to just take the jump 7 years ago and it's been the best 7 years of my life.
I feel for you.

Holy Hannah said...

You'll be ok, let him take care of you. Just take baby steps and let him it slowly day by day. I know it's hard. I tend to fall too hard and too quick. But the most awesome thing is that you know what your issues are. Keep strong and BBM me if you need something! Thanks for snickers, a very happy kitty

anya said...

Wow.

I know exactly how you feel. I know that fear, I know how it hurts, I know that a broken heart can end up breaking you as well. I was there and I am still there sometimes. Then I found a man who was strong enough for the both of us. Sounds like you might have met one too.

Take an evening and make the choice. No wavering after you have decided. Sit down with your innermost self and ask the questions that need an answer. Are you going to let your past dictate your future? Are you going to let fear hold you back from what you want in life? Once you know, go with it. Take the leap of faith and tell your fear to STOP NOW or...forget about finding love again. Don't put yourself through it anymore.

I think you'll find the right answer for you.
Good luck. My heart hopes for you.

Lauren said...

There is this movie called Harold and Maude. Maybe you've seen it, maybe you haven't. It is really great, and at one point Harold tells Maude, "I love you." Maude says, "That's great! Now go out and love some more." I've had a broken heart more than once, but looking back, I know that it was always worth it. Just feel it all, because at least you are feeling.

Erin said...

Can you just be really honest with him and share these thoughts/feelings with him? I am sure he would appreciate it, even if you don't know why you're doing it, feeling it, etc...

If he knows something is up, it can't hurt to at least open up some communication. Explain to him what has happened before and how you want to try not to let it happen again. Be honest with him even thought it may be the most difficult thing you've ever done. He obviously adores you---so can you let a little of yourself be open to him? Baby steps? A little at a time? But start with some talking.....

Just do it. Stop sabotaging yourself. You are the only one who has the power to do this.

Mike said...

Most people think they're very good at covering things up, but in reality its obvious to everyone around them. It's usually us trying to blind ourselves to something we don't want to see or deal with in ourselves.

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

Eh...so sorry to hear that. I'm with Erin. Maybe it would be a good idea to just tell him. Or let him read this blog... :)

Wishing you the best. I wish I had some words of wisdom.

adrienzgirl said...

Wise woman indeed...that friend of yours!

I have been there. If I hadn't let my wall down? There would be no BDC. There would be no Casa di Romano. Can you imagine that?

Plus, you have some really really really special people to help you through heartache if that is what happens. Though, I don't think that is going to happen.

Alicia said...

hey mama....let the fact that he's aware and is still standing firmly beside you give you comfort and hope...it doesn't matter how fast you move forward and as long as you are moving forward! take your time...open yourself up in pieces as your heart and body lets you...you'll get there...go for it mama. you deserve love. you deserve a companion. you deserve to be happy. now go let yourself have it!!

Cat said...

Like Alicia said, you deserve to be happy. I have trouble letting people in too, because every time it seems to go wrong. But it's admirable that you're aware of it and open about it (which seems ironic, but I think you get my meaning).

The Blue Zoo said...

I keep trying to think of some grand wonderful, meaningful advice. But really I have never been in your exact situation. I can say that I think you should be completely honest with him. But of course it's easier said than done.

Andrea (ace1028) said...

Is it easier to pull away or easier to open up? Is it easier to stress and worry about the hurt? Or think to yourself that it will NOT happen? Or is it just not easy at all? None of it? Sometimes life just isn't a cake walk, and it sucks, flat out sucks, plain and simple, that we have fears, we have to run from things, people, and we let ourselves do it. Or do we? Maybe we force ourselves to so we can protect our hearts. But our hearts are stronger than we think. And made to be broken, bounce back, and so on. No? Perhaps the old saying is true -- it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all? Hugs to you, sweet dear friend! Stay strong and you'll figure out what is best for you and yours.

dancingwithsorrow said...

Wow, this post really captured what I feel as well. I've only been at this single mom game for 15 months, but I know that feeling of pulling away and worrying. And you're right...what's the worst that could happen? We have survived, and maybe we would be better equipped to deal with it next time. Or perhaps, we won't have to deal with it again and will have found the right person. Hugs!

Tracie said...

I'm with Erin on this one. But I can't really give you too much advice because I have some of the same issues. I've been married for 15+ years and still keep a big old wall around some areas of my heart. I don't know what magic words to say to make it fall down.

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