Friday, October 9, 2009


I can honestly say that I suck at dating.

I serial dated for a while, after my husband died.  That was easy.  I was in a complete unattachment mode, so the men that I dated were just time killers and space fillers.  Sad, but true.

In the last five years, I have had three boyfriends.  I was with Chef for three of those years.  We broke up last August when wedding planning spooked him.  We would be getting married in 9 days.  The fun part is, we are really great friends.

Dating Chef, and then Iowa for 6 months after him, changed the way I look at dating.  I realized, while dating these men, that I am looking for more than a dinner companion.  I don't want a buddy to go to the movies with, or someone to buy me drinks when we're out.  I want a partner.

So how do I define what I am looking for?  And how long does it take to determine?  When I spend time with Dream Guy, everything seems to click.  Conversation is easy, silence is easy, everything is easy and comfortable.  Sadly, our timelines are completely out of wack.  I'm looking for someone to share life with, he wants to see what's out there.  While I know I need to cut that loss and be okay with only being friends (which I totally am!  I'm so not willing to throw away 15 years of friendship!), it frustrates me to know I have to continue trying to find that ease and comfort with someone else.

I feel like dating is a job.  I wonder sometimes where to fit it in.  I strive to not let my motherhood define me, as I am more than just a mom.  However, my commitments to my kids do take priority over commitments to people I may or may not want a relationship with.  Or maybe I use my commitment to my children as an excuse to not honor a commitment to myself.  I dunno.... 

What I do know is while parenting The Boy and The Girl is the most rewarding role I've ever had, at some point they will take a life path of their own.  And when they do, I know that I would like to have someone by my side as a partner in my continued journey.  My kids are still young and I have plenty of time, but I feel like it would be nice to have someone along for the ride while the memories of this part of the journey are being made.


Dee at Pedestrian Palate said...

I feel for you. I would not have the stuff to date again. I would have to resign myself to the role of crazy cat lady.

Lee said...

dating sucks. That's why I got remarried. I don't have to date!

Cat said...

Ugh. I'm with you on dating, but I'm resigned to being an old cat lady. I have yet to look back on a relationship with the same happiness I look at my pets with, lol.

One with many names said...

*shivers* Dating is not easy... it never is. I think what is important is finding out what traits are most important to meeting your needs at this time in life... but also, make note of what pet peeves really drive you crazy. Fresh interest can blur those peeves... and then after a few months things wear thin.

It's good to go into things knowing what will drive you nuts :)

Together We Save said...

I can not imagine dating girls do it and I sure would not want to.

Mike said...

I think the stat is 1 in 16 people you'll find someone who has something worth moving on with. After that who knows what your chances are. It is a job. Remember your partner will INFLUENCE everything in your life. Treat it as one of your most important jobs. The biggest thing I can say is your young and have plenty of time. I'm in my 40's and I know I have time. said...

I have no doubt that you'll find exactly what you want in a partner. He's out there and when the time is right, your paths will cross :)

Scarlet said...

You remind me of a scene from "The Bridges of Madison County" where Meryl Streep's character talks about having lived for her family so long that she can't remember who she was before the husband and kids. She doesn't even know what she likes anymore. Maybe that's not the case with you but that's what I thought about. It's one of my biggest fears, losing myself...and I'm always trying to find the right balance, which is not easy (but SO important).

Amanda {My Life Badly Written} said...

Dating is not easy. Period. Regardless of all the other stuff like being a mum. Good luck :-)

Anonymous said...

Awww Darlin.. I TOTALLY know where you're coming from.
I love being a mom, and I love being single right now (for the most part), but I do find myself wishing, more often than not, that I had a partner to walk through this world with. Like you said, not just someone to go out with, but a true connection.
I don't know. I've come to a place in life where I believe it will happen when it happens. And until then, I just go merrily along my way...LOL
And I stopped worrying about what kind of man I want, I'll know it when I see it, or feel it.
(truth be known, it's Brad Pitt... just waiting for him to call) LOL
Hang in their, my friend, you are too awsome to not have your dreams come true!!!
I "heart" you!

Charmaine said...

Being a mother supercedes everything. I think it would be incredibly difficult. It's hard enough when you don't have kids.

The man I'm dating has one minor kidlet (15 year old daughter). His x-wife and he agreed not to re-marry until their kids were up and out which I admire immensely.

The problem is I'm 48 and not getting any younger so I hear you when you talk about "time-lines".

I know that they are a deal breaker. Right now I can't seem to let go but eventually, the time-line monster will take matters into her own hands. Groan.

Danielle said...

I am about to be back in that pool. I am not looking forrward to it, but understand the wanting a partner!

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