The Post Where I'm a Bad Friend and A Good Friend In One

Sooooooo.....

Today is Share a Spoon with Adrienzgirl over at the Think Tank.  Today's theme is salads and while I had an EXCELLENT salad at dinner last night, I neglected to make anything to share and link up. (That's the part where I'm a bad friend.)  I totally recommend you head over to the Think Tank and check out all the delicious salad linked up for Dia de Ensalada!!! DO IT!

BFF a few years ago at a show

(Now for the part where I'm a good friend.) Do you remember last fall when my BFF moved super far away? Well, it turns out that because The Pile is a big, ugly liar and crazy petty, after two years of TRYING to be divorced, BFF's divorce has gone to trial.  While that means I get to see my most dear friend for several hours, it also means that my beloved must endure yet another emotional day rehashing the dreadful years that were her marriage and the loss of her life as she knew it. (If you're not caught up on BFF and would like to be, click here.)  So, my Wednesday was spent in a courtroom, listening to bs mud slinging done by The Pile's crazy (and by crazy I mean most likely insane and 100% morally and ethically bankrupt) attorney, The Pile admitting to having relapsed and having lied about it on a sworn document, and a parade of witnesses lying on his behalf.

I might mention that on Tuesday night, The Man fully prepared himself for the possibility of having to bail me out of the clink for being in contempt of court AND my dear friend Alicia totally recommended that I see about getting Lilo as a cell mate (even though she's in SoCal and I'm in quaint Minneapolis Suburb).  Proudly, as much as I wanted to punch the ugly, dumb, biznatch that was bullying my bestest friend ever, I didn't (patting myself on the back) and we all walked out of the courtroom sans handcuffs.

*added note - I did get a stern talking to from the bailiff when one of the phones in my purse started ringing on full volume.  Thanks a lot for asking me to hold your loud phone (you know I'd do anything for you) and making me look like a jackass. (You know the face I'm making at you right now.)

So, once again, we wait.  The judge presiding wanted the attorneys to present their findings and will take matters into consideration before providing a judgement.  She is STILL not divorced, (GRRR) but she is one step closer, and I was able to be there by her side. (See! Bad friend and good friend all in one post! Yay me!)

Dream a Little Dream

"Everything that is or was began with a dream." ~ Lavagirl

Our founding fathers had a dream.  The Wright Brothers had a dream.  Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream.  I think some pretty great things came from these dreams.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a ballerina.  Mind you, I can't dance.  I've never taken a dance class in my life.  I was 3.

When I was in elementary school, I dreamed of being an actress and model.  I had head shots taken, I got involved in community theatre, I went on auditions and casting calls.  As a teenager, I even went to LA for pilot season to get experience with on camera auditioning.  My dad asked me, "What will you do for a real job?"  I stopped chasing that dream.

In 6th grade, I dreamed of one day going to UCLA.  For spring break that year, we went to Southern California.  My dad took me to tour UCLA.  To him, that was a practical dream.  He would give me news articles on women like Paula Zahn and would always tell me, "Naked people don't run the country."  (He gave me Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People when I was in 4th grade.)  Although his dream consisted of scholarships and law school, mine leaned more toward theatre programs and music.

When I was 16, I started attending the University of Minnesota.  I dreamed of freedom from my parents.  Escaping the reality of their divorce and my dad and Baby Brother moving far away.  My parents dreamed of academic overachievement and a future riddled with successes.  I drank a lot and smoked a lot.  I quit college at 19.

I look at my life today and it does not at all coincide with the dreams I had.  I love my life.  Are there things I would like to be different?  Yes.  I would like to be more financially secure.  I would like to have a life partner.  I wish I better understood ADHD, ODD, Schedule II prescription drugs, how nutrition affects the physiology of a developing brain.  I wish my kids got to see their grandparents more (which would mean I saw my parents more, yay!).  That's truly only the tip of the ice berg.  But would I change anything of my past?  Do I have regrets?  Absolutely NOT!  All of those things -the good, the bad, the ugly- make me the woman I am today, and I really like me!  Sure, I am FAR from perfect, but only one man could walk on water and I am not 2009+ years old (and I'm not a man!).

What are your dreams?  Is your life close to what you envisioned or so far from it?

Single Parent vs. Only Parent

I was reading a post today on Mom Logic about the term single mom.  The author seemed to think that term was thrown around too loosely and by it being so widely used, the meaning of the term has been diminshed.  In her post, she decided that parents that are raising their kids without a co-parent should begin calling themselves only parents.

I am a widow.  My husband, the father of my children, comitted suicide 8 years ago.  Before you start feeling all kinds of sympathy, let me tell you, my marriage was less than functional.  I left him when I was 4 months pregnant with The Girl.  In the last year of his life, I put him in treatment 5 times.  He relapsed 5 times.  I finally decided I couldn't raise my children in a home filled with his demons.  When The Girl was 6 months old (The Boy was 2), I told him I was filing for divorce.  He was found dead in a hotel room in Colorado 2 weeks later (that's a whole other Oprah).  At no point did I blame myself.  I was VERY angry for a very long time.  I had resolved myself to no longer being married to him.  I never thought for a second I would never see him again.

I have always called myself an only parent.  I have friends that are single parents.  To me, that term means a parent raising children in a home without an adult partner.  Most of my single parent friends have parenting schedules that allow them to be child-free every other weekend.  Some also have one weekday evening and extended time in the summer and over school breaks.  I have never had anything like that.

In addition to not having someone to co-parent with, I don't have family in the area to help.  I truly am on my own.  Over the years, I have developed friendships with other women that don't have support systems.  We have become each other's support systems.  It works, but it's not the same as having actively involved grandparents, aunts, and uncles.

I look at some of the co-parenting arrangements some of my single parent friends have and I can honestly say, I have it good.  BFF is currently going through a VERY nasty divorce.  The man (I use that term loosely) she is divorcing has done everything in his power to drive a wedge between BFF and her oldest boy.  In addition, they are completely unable to communicate (she has a restraining order against him) AND he actively tells their children they don't have to follow her directions or rules.  (The scary thing is the courts are actually going to give him these kids because they don't think it's in their best interest to move up north!  WTF!  That too is a whole other Oprah.)

While I realize that most co-parenting relationships are far more civil than this, it begs the question is it really more difficult to co-parent than it is to be an only parent?  I for one am very glad that I don't have to rely on my children's father for ANYTHING (not that I had a choice).  While I spent years being angry that I was "robbed" of that option (as well as my kids being robbed of knowing their dad), I have come to be grateful of my situation.  While I would love to have a partner in life, living in my home, and acting as a support in raising my kids, I am glad I don't have to "make nice" with someone for the sake of my kids and rely on someone that couldn't hold true to their commitments to me to hold true to their commitments to the most important people in my life.

That said, for all of you that can co-parent amicably - THAT IS AWESOME!  I wish every parent had their child's best interest in mind!  You deserve a HUGE pat on the back!