Tuesday, November 10, 2009

What Exactly is Going On Here?

Before I start, I have to tell you, The Girl just came down the stairs, ready for school, hair did and  all...  I'm trying so hard to not laugh...  She's channeling one half of a pretty killer Flock of Seagulls hair-do right now....  Hahahahahahahahaha...





I am terrible at emotions.  At some point, in the last 10 years, I stopped processing how I felt about things and just kind of went through the motions.  I've been working really hard over the last 3 years or so to do better.  I've made improvements, but emotion is still very difficult for me.

For one, like everyone, I have feelings...  I just don't know how to identify what the feeling is.   For example, after BFF had to pack up her kids and send them to live with evil, she had to pack up all of her things and leave her home.  You see, in the wake of her divorce, she has lost her home.  The Pile sabotaged her in-home business by making false and erroneous calls to the county, causing her to have a bunch of bullshit, anonymous complaints on her provider record.  This has obviously prevented her from obtaining any new daycare families and in turn has eliminated her income.  The courts ordered The Pile to pay the mortgage and utilities so his children could continue to live in their home, but he and his band of theives (lawyers) fought it and the house was lost.  In turn, BFF has moved 5 hours north to BFFE (the extra F is because it really is THAT far away!).  So where am I going with this?  Well, she's gone.  Her kids are gone.  They're all gone.  While I know she is only a BBM away, I feel like so much is missing.  I can literally count on both hands how many days in the last 8 years I have gone without seeing her.  What am I feeling?  I have no idea.  Is loss an emotion? 

In addition to loss, I'm mad.  I think.  I'm mad about the injustices that have been committed against BFF and her children.  I'm down right pissed off.  It makes me furious that a person like The Pile, and the sociopaths that are his family, have been given the opportunity to ruin these children.  And it's all because of the touchy feely mentality that wants to keep dads involved.  Granted, as the parent of fatherless children, I am all for involved dads, but not ones like him.  He is a poisonous toxin of the worst kind and has NO business being responsible for children.  (For the record, I felt this way all the while I knew him, not just since BFF came to her senses and tossed his pathetic ass out.  I didn't keep my feelings a secret, either.)

Another part of me feels grateful; and maybe a bit guilty for feeling grateful.  Is it wrong to be grateful that the crackhead I called my husband is dead?  I mean, I'm grateful that I don't have to share my children with him.  I am grateful that they cannot have their hearts broken by his impossible promises, his narcissism, his controlling demons, and his habit.  Is that so bad?  Is it wrong that I'm grateful they don't have to be torn in two by a love for someone who only has their best interest in mind and a love for someone that would only use them as a pawn in an effort to advance his own agenda?  Because that is what I see happening to BFF's kids.  They actually feel guilty for saying things that would hurt their dad's feelings.  Her 11 year-old actually believes that it is HIS RESPONSIBILTY to keep his dad clean and sober!!!!  I am outraged.  And I am grateful.

This truly only scratches the surface of the knot I feel forming in my stomach.  Not everything I'm feeling is icky.  I have been spending increasingly more time with the man from work (still trying to come up with a name...  anyone?).  I think that I like him.  I haven't noticed any red flags.  I haven't come up with any deal breakers (well, he rips on the Patriots, but it's not a serious offense).  The only things I dislike are shallow and unimportant.  He seems really great.  But with thoses feelings come feelings of confusion and fear.  There still has been no talk of status or boundaries.  I'm confident I will avoid that as long as possible.  It's just too much for my limited emotional comprehension to process at this point.

Then there is Redneck Brother, his wife, and my mother.  Ugh...  I don't even know where to start on these people.  Honestly, that story is a whole other Oprah.  But there are thoughts and feelings involved there that I am having difficulty processing, too...

I have found blogging to be very theraputic.  While I strive to have posts that are more content rich (with facts or humor), I find that the comments you leave give me a perspective I require to digest these emotions I'm not sure of and help me to figure out what exactly I am feeling and how to deal with it.  Thank you for that.  I promise, once I get myself sorted, the "old me" will be back in force.

15 comments:

The girl with the flour in her hair said...

This post really makes me think. It sounds like you've gone through a lot in your life and I don't think you're wrong to be grateful that a terrible influence has passed. I think you are so justified in feeling that way...as a mom, I know that kids are always first and foremost (or they should be) and we want to keep them safe. Husbands can come and go, but children are our flesh and blood, they're part of us and they will always be with us. Whether or not that relationship is healthy has a lot to do with the people they are around. Does that make sense, or am I rambling? I do that a lot...

I'm sorry your BFF has moved to BFFE. That sucks and it sucks that the kids are going through that. It's not fair for them.

Daffy said...

Sounds like you've got a good start on the emotion stuff...really...and yes, it is very normal and reasonable and REAL to feel a sense of loss at the leaving of your friend and her children. Thats real...probably some grief mixed in there. Drop the guilt though... we each have our battles and hurddles - guilt will drop you outa the sky super fast! I'm no doctor, played one on TV once, but I do know emotions can be a hairy thing. I know that identifying them is a huge step towards processing, dealing and growing. Anyone close by that can help with this? A cousoler, therapist? They can have a negative stigma but many times seeking an unbaised perspective can be a huge help!

HUGS FRIEND! My heart is breaking and outraged with you....damn PILE!

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

I feel so badly for you bff. What a complete jerk that Pile is. I hope that she can over come his "assholedness" and build something great for herself again.

And hugs to you.

MindyMom said...

Having to "co-parent" aka counter-parent with two exes who are "someone that would only use them [kids]as a pawn in an effort to advance his own agenda?" I can say that I would also feel grateful if I did not.

I really feel for your friend as most likely it is just the beginning for her. Sociopaths never stop causing harm to those unfortuante enough to be close to them. And sharing children is too damn close.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i love reading posts like this. Very meaty and not just a lot of crapola - there's a lot of that out there. Sending you lots of love and support and keep blogging - it is VERY therapeutic! and we love reading it!

semihippysinglemum said...

You are not wrong at all for feeling grateful that your children are safe from their father. Everything happens for a reason and their is a very good reason he's not around anymore.

As for the guy at work...he rips on the Pats. DUMP HIS ASS...jk

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

I don't even know where to start...there seenms to be a lot of pain and anger around you, and I think all of your feelings are valid. I'm glad that you have blogging to help vent.

blueviolet said...

I can understand what you mean about your husband's death. It removed a problem from your life permanently and so I understand the feeling of relief in that. I'm sorry that your BFF has had her life completely turned upside down by the pile. :(

Cat said...

My ex is a dangerous psychopath. Sometimes no parent is better than a parent who's destined to cause trauma.

-KA- said...

Hey girl. I gave you a little award. Come over and check it out when you get a minute.

kys said...

I feel so bad for your friend and I don't even know her. As far as you being glad that you don't have to deal with your kids' father this way, I think that is totally normal. (Not that I'm an expert on normal.)

Blogging is great therapy - and it's free! Keep on working it out as long as you need to.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

There's nothing wrong with feeling grateful that your children have been spared the drama that could have been.

Erin M. said...

Ditto on what the last two peeps said---I also find blogging to be very therapeutic. A lot of blogs don't say anything of substance and when I'm reading I always wonder, "Is this person real? I'm not getting a sense of him/her at all." Me, I like to know about things that are going on in your life. So I enjoyed reading this, and I hope that writing it lifted some of the heavy weights from your chest...

Tami G said...

I just discovered your blog and wanted to stop in and say from one single parent to another - I FEEL YA!
glad I found your place and I'm your newest follower!

Tami G

Shaunells Hair said...

Thanks for being REAL and sharing the tough stuff--we all have our share, but you have survived a tougher share than most. You are strong and an inspiration. Thanks, and stay strong and true.

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