Pretty Flowers That I Can't Kill

I have a black thumb. Not. Even. Kidding.

I have never been gifted at growing things. I have, in fact, killed a cactus. I wasn't trying to...

Needless to say, artificial plants and I get along.

I don't have to water them. I don't have to make sure they're getting adequate sunlight. And I certainly don't have to protect them from the curious jaws of my cats.

That's where Silk Plants Direct comes in. With a large selection of artificial plants ranging in size, Silk Plants Direct offers a wide variety of options at various price points.

Recently, I received a tulip and twig arrangement from Silk Plants Direct. The attractive arrangement stands just under 2 feet in height and makes a great centerpiece on my dining room table.

Silk Plants Direct also has some neat artificial spiral topiary that make for decorative floor pieces, as well as artificial boxwood topiary for statement table pieces.

**I was not compensated for this post, but I did recieve this lovely tulip arrangement in exchange for an honest review.

In the Waking Moments

The sun is not yet waking.

The world around me is fast asleep.

I lay here and stare into the darkness.

If only I could find a way out.

My mind races with thoughts.

Solutions to the questions run through my head with fleeting notions of brilliance.

What can I do differently so I am finally happy?

Will I feel fulfilled?

The dawn begins to break.

Sounds of life will soon be stirring in my home.

I look over and see him in the glow of the early morning.

For a moment my heart and my mind are at peace.

Knowing he is here dulls the panic in my mind.

Relieved that I no longer have to do it alone.

A new day has begun, and the battle rages on.

But some how, some way I know that in the end everything will be fine.



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My Dirty Little Secret

I read a quote recently that went like this ~



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Per my recent norm, it made me stop and evaluate some things in my life.

It also made me want to come clean. You see, I have a confession to make.

Over the years I have talked freely about the mental illness that took my husband's life almost 11 years ago.

I have made it no secret that my precious daughter struggles daily with several different mental health diagnoses.

I have even mentioned that my know-it-all son is afflilcted with ADHD.

However, my friends, I have never once opened up to you about me...

I've never once told you about the days on end I have spent holed up in my bedroom - until my best friend literally dragged me out and forced me to shower.

I have never shared with you my frequent bouts with self-loathing, my sometimes suicidal ideations, and thoughts of what a better place the world would be in my absence.

I can't think of a single time I have mentioned my nights in the ER because the tightness and pain in my chest was so horrible, I thought I was dying. In reality I was sufferin massive panic attacks.

I don't talk about these things because I'm ashamed. For so long I have had to hold it together for the benefit of my kids. I tell myself, they didn't choose to be born into an only parent household. They deserve a chance at a normal childhood. They need a mom who has it all together.

So I put on the mask of resilience, and I forge through each day playing the part of the mom I think my kids deserve and the part of the woman I think everyone expects me to be.

But sometimes the mask suffocates, and sometimes the part is lacking a good script. It's in those times I feel my world caving in around me. I fear that I will be discovered. That my secret will get out. That someone will know that I am far from the emotionally and mentally stable person I portray myself to be, that I'm a fraud. I fear that someone will sweep in and take my kids from me, declaring me unfit to give them their best chance.

So I cry it out. I have my panic attacks. I withdraw from the world for a little while. And I regroup.

And after the intermission, I begin the next act.

But I can't keep the secret anymore. The pain in my chest comes more frequently these days. My temper is shorter. I find satisfaction in things - simple or grand - less and less. I am beginning to realize that despite my greatest performances, I am not Super Woman. I can't fight the evil wizard, slay the dragon, and rescue the princess all by myself.

Depression is an ugly disease that causes you to believe you are less than you are. It convinces you that you deserve less than the joy God intended for you.

I have been fighting it alone for years, unbeknownst to my children, my parents, my family, and many of my close friends. But I refuse to let it steal any more life from me. I have decided it is time to face this demon head on, to fight it, and to win, so that I am able to give my kids their best chance. And so I can finally have mine.

Say What? New Year?

Just in case you didn't get the memo, 2012 has arrived.

In my home, it rang itself in alone. Quietly. My daughter and I fell asleep early Saturday evening, only to be woken up ever so gently by my fiance arriving home from work at about 11:30 pm. Despite his attempts to wake me to watch the ball drop, I remained mostly sound asleep.

New Year's Day was quiet and uneventful. Perfect, in my mind.

We slept late, went out to brunch, and laid on the couch reading books for the majority of the day.

Although I am not one to make resolutions, I am one to reflect.

Reflecting back on 2011 has given me pause to evaluate that which is of most importance to me.

I went back to school in January of 2011. A full-time job found its way into my life in April 2011. The 3rd Annual Big Fat Family Road Trip found us in Seattle this past summer. My children had the opportunity to meet their late father's family for the first time.

It was a difficult choice to invite the people who never reached out after the death of their son to his children, and invite them into our lives. It was the right choice, though. My children's lives are richer because of it.

September 2011 brought the return of one that I had let go 3 years prior. I feel so blessed to have a second chance with a man I love so much.

As I stare 2012 straight in the eyes, I wonder what it has in store for me. Had you told me at this time last year I would be working and going to school, both full-time, planning a wedding, and would have a partner in life, I would have said you were cuh-razy.

It just goes to show, it's not always our plans that prevail.

Here is to a blessed and wonderous 2012 to all of my friends in Blognia!