Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Moles and Mortality

Today I am linking up with my dear friend Shell


Being a parent comes with a lot of worries.

Are they happy? Are they healthy? Do they have enough friends? Are they good friends? Are they involved enough? Are they involved in too much? Are they eating right? Did they remember the sunscreen? Will they look both ways crossing the street even if I'm not there to make sure?

Even if I'm not there to make sure...

Being an only parent, I am constantly aware of the fact that without me, my children are orphans.

I haven't been on a motorcycle in over 10 years. I'd love to try skydiving - but I won't. Hot air balloons? Out of the question. There are so many "thrill-seeking" activities I would like to try, but don't.

I realize that when it is my time, it is my time. There is not a whole lot I can do about it. But minimizing my risks makes me feel better...

I was recently inspired to schedule a routine exam with a dermatologist to have my moles looked at.

That day, in the office, the doctor removed three.

Three suspicious black dots.

To be biopsied.

Biopsy is a scary word. It doesn't matter who you are, or your life's circumstances. The word biopsy always comes with the unspoken word cancer.

As I wait to hear back from the doctor, I force myself to not read about skin cancer. I refuse to search melanoma and the other less scary words associated with skin cancer.

I don't want to freak myself out.

But all I've been thinking about since the moles were removed is, "What if?"

What if it is cancer? What if it's the bad cancer? (Not that there are any good cancers...) What if I'm really sick? What if treatment makes me really sick? What if I can't work? Can't take care of my home? Can't take care of my pets? Can't take care of my kids?

What if I die?

As much as the thought of not seeing them grow into adulthood pains me, I am more scared about what losing both parents would do to them. Who would raise them? Would they turn out alright? What kind of lives would they have?

As I sit here and wait, these thoughts torment my mind.

I pray that all is well. I pray that the suspicious black spots are nothing more than incredibly dark spots. I pray that my kids and I - regardless of how crazy they make me and I make them - have many decades left to make each other nuts.

More than I pray for my health, I pray for their well-being. I pray that they don't have to lose another parent. I pray that the Lord's plan is for me to be around for them, to see them graduate, got to college, get married, and have babies...

I know that people have moles removed every day... I realize that there is a good chance I am over-reacting... But these are the thoughts that have been consuming my mind.


Kelly said...

I'll be praying for you! Melanoma is scary, I've lived with it every day now for almost 3 years. My kids were my first thought when I got the news. My boys were 3 and 1 when I found out. It's definatly scary but your kids will give you the strength to do anything you have to do to kick some ass.

Good Luck to you!!!

Andrea said...

Oh! I know that "wait" and it sucks. I had to go back to have something taken off and I was fine, went through the whole thing and was waiting for word, and I got into my mom's car afterward and burst into tears. And all of that was pre-motherhood. So I can't imagine what you're experiencing, even after you explained it so well. I'll keep you in my thoughts, mama, and hope that all the news you get is good. {Hug}

Ducky said...

I'm procrastinating...I need to do this. I've been kicking around a procrastination post conicidentally. These thoughts have scared me. Sometimes I think I'd rather not know. Such news would come too quickly on the heels of death for me and I'm not sure how I would handle it.

I know your results will be good :o)

I've entered a "no luck but bad luck" phase in life lol and I'm not going to tempt it so I likely won't head to the dermatologist any time soon.

Much love to you

Kir said...

I worry all the time, esp since I've had some really bad sunburns in my 20's...and while they haven't found anything "bad" yet, I worry all the time that they will.
So my heart is sitting with you, waiting it out and praying for VERY GOOD NEWS. xo

Shell said...

It's so scary to think of our kids being without us.

I have nightmares about being out with Hubs and the two of us having a car accident.

I'm just glad that you got the good news that these were nothing- that's what you said yesterday, right?

Roxanne said...

You are in my thoughts. I had a mole removed just a little bit ago & was relieved that it was not cancerous. I have quite a few other moles, so I have to keep a close eye on them.

tara said...

hope all is well, girl! the wait is always the worst part!

Anonymous said...

I just want to hug you! I know in my heart you will be okay. Sending lots of positive vibes your way. xo

Unknown said...

Do you know anything yet? I am anxious to hear the results! I had something on my back removed a few months ago. When I found it, I was overwhelmed with fear and began to sob. Sob. It was unexpected. I just kept thinking about all of the things you wrote about today. What would my kids do without me? I am praying for you and hoping that the black dots are just black dots.

Jessica @ My Simply Complicated said...

I'm still thinking about you since you first told me, friend. When will you have word?

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