Saturday, February 27, 2010

Living With the Lies; My Story Part 3


There are really no words to succinctly describe what it is like living with an addict.  I think for me, the hardest part was knowing that the man I loved was hiding somewhere inside.

While my husband promised me he would get help for his drug use, he refused to acknowledge he had a problem.  In his eyes, I was the one with the problem.  In his eyes, I was trying to control him.  In his eyes, I was playing the martyr.  And in his eyes, I needed to accept that was who he was and deal with it.

I, on the other hand, was certainly not going to "just deal with it".  From the day we brought The Boy home from the hospital, to the day my husband took his own life, our life together was a battle.  When I called him out on his lies and continued drug use, he would verbally abuse me.  He did his best to manipulate every situation and make me feel badly.  He would tell me to take our children and "run to my mommy" if he was so bad.  He would tell me my standards were outrageous and if I left him I would end up bitter and alone. 

During the short periods of time he was clean, the man I loved would come out.  He was still able to make me laugh like no other.  Falling asleep curled up next to him was my peace.  He was playful and proud with our son, and when we discovered we were going to have our 2nd child, he was elated.  He knew she would be a girl and he wanted nothing more than to have a pretty princess he could dress up in fancy dresses and Mary Janes.

When I discovered we were pregnant with The Girl, I cried.  Our marriage had been tumultuous at best and I wasn't confident in our future.  Although he had finally agreed to go into rehab, he was continuously relapsing.  In the last year of his life, he relapsed five times.  Before I ever told him I was pregnant, I considered abortion.  However, I had a dream that my unborn child would be a girl.  I dreamed that I would never conceive another girl and that without her, I would be incomplete.  What an amazingly accurate dream.

After over a year of his abuse (of me and the drugs), I decided I couldn't take anymore.  Under no circumstances was I going to raise my children in a home with an addict.  In April, 2000, I left.  I was four months pregnant with The Girl.  The Boy and I moved in with my mom and her husband.  Once again, my husband went into treatment.  In addition to treatment, we began marriage counseling.  While I was determined to be free from his addiction, I still loved him.  I had not given up hope that he could still be saved.  Leaving him broke my heart, but I hadn't given up on him.

Image found on Google Images

22 comments:

Mike said...

To follow an addiction is to believe a lie. It's what addicts to, pervert reality so they can act out again. So sorry for you.

Cat said...

I left when I was four months pregnant too. Slightly different situation, but it's a rare to find others with similar stories. Thanks for telling yours.

The Blue Zoo said...

I am so glad yu are choosing to share this story with us.

Is it ok that Im like really mad at him?!

Brittany said...

You are so incredibly STRONG! I am so impressed with how brave you are!

Nancy C said...

All of this when you were, what? 24? 23? That's remarkable, when I think of where my head was at that age. What wisdom you've earned.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Wow, what a scary situation. It's admirable that you worked so hard at the relationship, given the extreme circumstances.

Holy Hannah said...

You're making me all teary! How have I known you for almost 10 years and not known this?

Travis said...

Mmmmm I just read all three parts. You have my complete sympathy.

Daffy said...

I don't really know what to say....I know the basics in your story...just not all the details...you know how much I admire you and it feels trite to say so again...

Sending you my hugs and prayers....

adrienzgirl said...

I am so proud of you for sharing your story.

What bravery you showed as a young mother.

Love you!!!

Terry said...

I think this is awesome of you...telling your story. I bet it's a little difficult reliving it as you tell it and I give you alot of credit. I too have a story...not one that I am able to tell in detail yet...Someday...just not yet :) *hugs*

Kat said...

Your story is absolutely heart-warming. This has got to be difficult for you to tell, yet perhaps somewhat therapeutic, yes? :)

singedwingangel said...

OH Hun I am so sad tht you lost the man you love to the demon of drugs. My oldest child's father died last year from an overdose. Despite having heart problems, sugar diabetes, lung issues and constant staph infections from his life long abuse he chose a needle over his own life. The only thing that makes me angry is that in my son's eyes he loved the drugs more then him and try as I may I cannot take that pain away. I can only be grateful that my hubby loved my son from day one... that is his daddy.

Senorita said...

Thanks again for sharing your story. It's sad how much drugs can change a person. I don't know how you managed to put up with this for so long. I guess all you can do is hope and pray sometimes.

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

Thank you for being so open, I can't wait to keep reading your story.

Andrea (ace1028) said...

You are amazingly strong. HUGELY powerful. And very loved.

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

Wow, I am speechless. You have quite a story I have read all 3 parts.

1. I live in Mn too, the South MEtro. Hi!

2. My husband did cocaine and dealt drugs (before I met him) He was sober for 6 years when we met. Almost 11 years sober now.

From what I know and have seen from AA meetings, you really did the right thing by leaving.

I am so sorry his life ended.

April said...

It took me longer, but it was because I couldn't leave until I had finally given up on him. In the 7 years since, I've never had reason to believe I was wrong to give up. He's back in jail now - scheduled to be released later this month.

Mrs4444 said...

My best friend lost her son to drug addiction 18 months ago. The disease is such a powerful, ugly power; everything Ryan said and did was filtered through the addiction; it was so sad to see it take over such a wonderful kid. Knowing it's the disease talking doesn't make it any easier on the families, though, does it?

Rachel said...

Although we are strangers I connect to your story in a profound way. Living with someone who has an addiction is heart breaking in many ways...

Thank your for sharing it. I look forward to getting to know you better :)

Rachel

Jessica New Fuselier said...

OH WOW...

Kelley said...

I can only imagine the lives you have touched by sharing your story on your blog. You are touching mine! I am so happy that you have your sweet Girl. So very happy.

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