Friday, February 26, 2010

Bringing Home Baby; My Story Part 2

Nothing rivals the excitement of bringing home your first child.  The Boy was (and continues to be) such an amazing gift.  Of course, I baby-sat as a teenager, and I was the 2nd oldest of 13 grandchildren, so I was no stranger to babies.  But this baby was different.  He was mine.  Together with the man I loved and a God I did not yet believe in, I made him.

Bringing home my precious boy was overwhelming.  There is so much more to having a new born than one realizes.  While we had our car seat, diapers, appropriate clothing, and bassinet all ready to rock, I wasn't prepared for things like umbilical cords and circumcisions.  So on the very first day of 1999, my husband brought his brand new family home from the hospital. 

After getting us all settled in, my husband took inventory of what we still needed.  Groceries were stocked, diaper supply and wipes were full.  I was breastfeeding, so no formula was needed.  We did, however, need some Vaseline for our new little man's circumcision wound.  It was New Year's Day and we weren't sure what would be open, so the hubby set off in search to find some Vaseline.

Fast forward 12 hours.  It is almost 11:00 pm.  It is my first day home with my brand new son.  Alone.  And I have not seen or heard from my husband.  I am freaking the eff out.  I have called my mom repeatedly, his store is long since closed for the day, and  his friends haven't talked to him all day.  I begin to panic as I look for the Yellow Pages and begin to call local hospitals.  Each time someone answers I ask if anyone has been admitted with his name or fitting his description.  Nothing.  I call the police.  I am so scared.

By 1:30 am, officers from the local precinct arrive at my home.  I explain the situation.  They see my brand new son.  They ask what kind of car he was driving, what he was wearing when I had seen him last, were there any places he liked to hang out, had anyone talked to him.  I answered everything to the best of my ability.  Because he hadn't been gone a full 24 hours, they couldn't file a missing persons report, but because it was unusual for an apparently happily married man to leave his wife and brand new baby for so long without contact, they agreed to get their precinct on the lookout for him.

It is now 3:00 am.  My doorbell rings. I am terrified.  What if they found him?  What if he is not okay?  I answer the door to see my husband standing in front of me.  His coat is missing, he is disheveled and looks like hell.  The officers I spoke to earlier were standing behind him.  I ask what happened, where had he been, is he ok?  He looked at me with eyes I had never seen before.  I knew it wasn't going to be good.  All he said is, "We need to talk." He walked by me and went into the house. 

The officers said they found him wandering the street in that condition.  They said our car was parked about a block away and they weren't sure whether or not he had the keys.  When they found him, they told him he needed to come home, his wife was worried, and they followed him to make sure he came directly to me.  I thanked them for their help and went inside.

I am not sure the details of the conversation.  Much of what happened upon his return that early morning are a blur.  I do know that when he left to get Vaseline for our son, he never made it.  I would have to go out the next day for some.  He told me that about 6 months prior, when he had taken a new job, he began using cocaine.  He had used drugs recreationally in his youth, but swore he had not used at all while we were together, until the new job.  He was cashing his checks on paydays and buying drugs, crack and cocaine, and binging while I was at work.  Often times when he said he was working extra, he was using.  For the 2 days I was in the hospital bringing our son into the world, he didn't use at all.  He was freaking out and after getting us home, that was all he could think about.

We cried.  A lot. He apologized.  I was happy he was home, that he was safe.  We were going to work together, get him therapy, and he was going to stay away from the drugs.  I cried myself to sleep that morning, exhausted.  I had no idea how this confession would change my life.

Looking back, I'm really angry that my first day on my own as a brand new mother was taken from me in that way.  I also know that little boy was my hero and saving grace in so many was.  He is the #1 man in my life.  Always has been.  There are days when I look at him and I see his father.  It used to startle me.  It used to make me sad.  But it's only physical characteristics.  I know that he will be 100 times the man his father was (at 11, he already is) and I am so grateful for him.




Infant image found on Google Images

37 comments:

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

You are so brave....seriously.

Brittany said...

I am so sorry you had to go through that! It looks like whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger! You sound like an amazing mother, with a beautiful child to boot! :)

Mike said...

Wow that's a baptism of fire for your first day of baby being home.

Terry said...

wow....I would have lost my mind, but YOU didn't! Amazing how when we become "mom" we do what we have to do...maybe without that little boy you might have lost it, yet you knew he needed you so you kept it together. Sorry you had to go thru that....

The Blue Zoo said...

You are a very strong person. I knew it already. But this just really points that fact out. =)

anya said...

Woah. I did not see that coming.

While I can not compare, I too had a moment like this. I found out my husband was cheating on me just before our son's first birthday.

Life changes in a instant.

My son was my saving grace - my reason, my light and my joy. Sometimes I think he is my angel, sent for me. Through him, I found strength.

Senorita said...

Wow, I am sorry your special day was taken away like that.

You are a very strong person.

Tracie said...

You could write a book about this. A memoir or a fictionalized version would be a huge hit. I know you get tired of hearing that you are strong and brave but you really are.

Daffy said...

I love you

Nancy C said...

Terry nailed it....we learn what we're made of. Motherhood makes us fierce.

Your son is so handsome.

Erin said...

YOu are my hero. You have survived so much. I agree with Tracie--you could write a book. I was a basket case when my babies were born and I can't imagine if their father had been acting like this at the time instead of being my rock....

Kudos to you, girl. You are amazing!

adrienzgirl said...

Addicts really are thieves in the night. Even if they don't steal money to feed their demons, they steal precious moments, joy and happiness that can never be replaced. Sorry never subsides the hurt or pain.

You are a survivor! I am so moved by your strength. When you need someone to help prop you up, I am always here for you!

Love you!

Kat said...

WOW what a story!! You are an amazement. And your son is lucky he has you :)

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

I don't really know what to say, I'm so eager to hear the rest of the story, and I can see already how strong you must be to go through all of this. God bless!

Melissa said...

wow.

Andrea (ace1028) said...

Wow. Amazing. I'm just catching up so forgive the late comment.

April said...

Oh, man. We have a lot in common. I have a New Year's story AND a newborn story. And my husband was a crack addict.

Ashley @ Little Miss Momma said...

This story is AMAZING...I am crying right now, and I don't usually do that...off to read part 3...you are amazing!

ashley
http://littlemissmomma.blogspot.com

Jessica New Fuselier said...

HOLY COW...

misssrobin said...

What a horrific experience. You are truly blessed with your children.

carina said...

Oh my goodness. Just saw your blog on SITS and am taken by your story. Not sure "looking forward to reading more" is the right sentiment, but you know what I mean. Peace and blessings to you and your children!

Anastasia said...

That is an amazing story. I think after all you've been through that it's amazing that you still see the good and no that your son will be better then any of that. You are an inspiration.

Tara said...

Wow! Too say you made it through that experience is not something many people can say or have done. What an awesome example you must be for your children.

Dawna said...

Happy SITS Day!

Dawna
http://akissandapeck.blogspot.com

homeiswhatyoumakeit said...

Wow! I can't even imagine!
I am looking forward to exploring your blog...

visiting from SITS....

Christina said...

Wow. I really don't know what to say. Not what I expected in this post. I am glad your husband made it home that day okay. I can not imagine the pain and worry you had with a newborn and not knowing where your husband was all that time. Wow.
visiting from SITS, and now I have to keep reading.

Jen said...

Wow, what a story!

Lindsay said...

Wow...that is quite a story!

Caren said...

Your story has touched my heart. Happy SITS DAY! I'll have to go read some more. Best wishes to you and your children. (I love boys at that age... I have a 12 year old that asks for hugs.)

Patty said...

Yours is a very touching story one that I know too well. Not from my personal experience but that of my sister and HER husband.
It takes a lot of strength to deal with something like that. You are a very strong person. Found you thru SITS.

Confessions of a Vegetarian Bakeaholic said...

What an incredible story. I know that trying day made you even stronger.

Happy SITS day!!

Anne said...

wow, I can't even imagine.

Missy said...

Wow. You show such amazing strength.

Stopping by from SITS.

sheswrite said...

What a heart wrenching story. Thank you so much for your courage and for sharing. My sister battled a cocaine addiction for 10 years, so I can only imagine being married to someone who struggled with it. I'm visiting from SITS, congrats on your day! :)

Tiffany said...

Wow. You are truly an amazing woman. To stand on your two feet, raising your children by yourself and having to face this after having baby #1.
Congrats on your SITS day!

Samantha said...

What a story... I was at the edge of my seat wondering what was going to happen! I can't imagine being in that situation, especially since I'm 6 months pregnant with my first - a baby boy. You must be so strong having endured that.

On another note, I'd like to wish you a Happy SITS day!

Kelley said...

This didn't take the turn I expected. I am going to keep reading, of course, but I am almost scared. We watch a lot of Intervention at this house. I know, at least from the show, that drug users want nothing but the drugs, even though they intellecutally love their family and children. Drugs rule them. Ugh. I am so sorry, but I am so grateful that you have your beautiful son!

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