Sunday, November 8, 2009

I Just Don't Get It


I'm struggling right now.

There's something I just can't wrap my head around.  The more I try to sort it out, the more frustrated I get.

BFF is winding down a very nasty divorce process.  Her ex is a pile of shit.  And that is being generous.  In the 10 years I have known BBF, she has run an in home daycare.  That's actually how we met.  She was my daycare provider.

In those 10 years, I have never know The Pile to have a job.  He is a drunk and a marijuana addict.  He physically and verbally abused my BFF.  He has always been very stand-offish with me, because he knows that I know what he really is.  He is unkind to my children, especially The Girl, and gets very confrontational when I call him out on his bad behavior.  He is a sorry excuse of a husband and provider and a very poor and inadequate father.  BFF has two restraining orders of protection against him (both of which is has violated, been charged for, and is on probation for).  He has no driver's license due to multiple alcohol related infractions (and can't get one until at least 2012 - IF he keeps his act clean) AND he lives in his mommy and daddy's basement.

So, back to my original statement.  I'm struggling right now.  Here is what I am struggling with.  How does a man (I use the word VERY lightly) with such amazing qualities recieve custody of three minor children?

I sat with BFF this evening as I watched the paternal grandfather (because The Pile a. can't drive and b. is not permitted on the property due to said restraing orders) load vehicles with the belongings of three children I love like my own, wondering how on Earth this could be allowed to happen.  This person, who has threatened the lives of people I love, has put BFF's head through a wall, has told his children that they don't have to follow rules and to tell their mother to eff off, how does he get custody?!?!  What the hell is wrong with our family court system that could allow this to happen?!?!?

At what point did the system decide that it is better for children to be raised by a person that can't even take care of himself than by a mother that has been home with them every day of their lives?

At what point did the system determine that a sociopathic, drunken pothead with depression and the inabilty to hold a job is a better primary caregiver than a person that has been licensed by the state to run a daycare, has been the only parent to ever go to conferences, has been the caregiver for the children when they're sick, sad, or otherwise in need of attention?

It saddens me to know the life ahead of these children I love so much.  As I held my sobbing BFF, as her children were driven away I myself cried and wondered how can this sort of thing happen.  I know it is only a matter of time before he fails miserably.  Whether he realizes that parenting isn't all fun and games when you actually have to provide for your children or whether he falls of the wagon or gets caught driving without a license...  It's truly only a matter of time.  But is it worth jeopordizing the mental and physical well-being of three innocent children?

Like I said, I'm struggling...

13 comments:

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Oh my god. That's horrid. I am speechless.

blueviolet said...

I'm shocked! I thought the courts almost always sided with the mother and that certainly they would in this particular situation. Awful!

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

It's very sad to me that people like the Pile get the rights that they get. There just seems to be no real justice here. And the ones that get hurt the most.....the children, can't really speak up for themselves.

Tattoos and Teething Rings said...

Truly, how did this happen? I thought being jobless, convicted of DUIs, and without a license would be enough for the courts to keep the kids with the mom...did he have some major dirt on her? Maybe you and the mom should call child welfare on the dad.

Lisa Anne said...

WOW that's freaking crazy. Shows you how messed up the judicial system is!

linnie said...

I'm so sorry for your friend. Did money have anything to do with it? Perhaps his family helped with legal fees? When it came to my divorce, I earned much less than him and his family helped him out financially, while every court appearance made me bleed rectally from financial haemorrage. He simply outlasted me.

But I am happy to say that now my daughters are old enough to choose, they simply came to me and stayed. The ex SpouseHole knew that any court would go with the wishes of the children once they were old enough and determined enough, and as long as I don't ask him for child support (in spite of me having paid it to him for years), then he'll leave it alone. Maybe your friend's children will make the moral choice themselves as soon as they can.

kys said...

That is terrible! I feel sorry for your BFF and esp. for her kids. How in the world could something like this happen?

Mike said...

Since you never went through with it I'll explain. You always want to decide everything before going before the judge. Why? He just got a blow job in the back office and he's happy as hell and gives you everything you want. Maybe his wife is sleeping with his best friend and he's out to screw over every woman out there. In divorce court you are at the mercy of the judge's emotions at that moment. Sad but true.

Danielle said...

I don't get it! How does that happen? I am so sad about this.

MindyMom said...

So sorry to read about your friends situation. It sickens me too.

Our system sucks. It is broken. As you know I am a big advocate for change there and wish I could do more. My own situation is pretty shitty and in 8 years of dealing with one legal entanglement after another I'm very discouraged. The laws seem to only protect and enable corrupted people while putting our kids at risk.

It's good your friend has you to support her.

FeliciaE said...

My heart is breaking for your friend. I am speechless at the outcome also, it isn't right. Is there anyway she can fight the decision?

Cat said...

I'm so sorry. My stepmom lost custody of her youngest 3 years ago and has been fighting ever since. I see the pain, and it's terrible for her, but especially for kids living with a negligent guardian.

Cat said...

My stepmom's case was decided today- she lost. The child stays with his father and she continues to drive 12 hours every other weekend to see him.

Shitty week for court decisions.

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