Monday, January 10, 2011

You're Horrible

Life isn't always easy.

Life isn't always fun.

Regardless, it keeps on happening and we have to decide what to do with it.

Those of you that have been around awhile are aware that my daughter has special needs. I wrote about our struggles at The Scoop on Poop, and I have touched on the issues from time to time here. I don't go into a lot of detail because ultimately it is her story. I don't feel it is my place to put it out there, irreversibly, without her permission or the ability to share her side.

I am writing right now because I am hurting.

My relationship with my daughter is tenuous at best. Seemingly effortless tasks take a toll on us daily. Whether it is showering, daily hygiene, homework, or contributing around the house - it is a battle. I am at my wits end and am grasping at straws to get through each and every moment with her.

Over winter break, I tweeted frequently about The Girl. On January 2, the last day of break, I wrote: "I so desperately need to get away from this child. This winter break has been a nightmare on all accounts when it  comes to her." To which someone responded, "You're horrible."

Having these feelings about my child fills me with guilt. Every. Single. Day. Not being able to get through a moment - not a day, a moment with her breaks my heart. On Twitter, I have friends with special needs children. And generally, a tweet like mine is answered by (and this one was, too) these parents who can relate to our struggles. But for some reason, "You're horrible." keeps running through my head.

On Thursday, after another awful week, I had had enough. I was tired of fighting. She was tired of fighting. She packed a bag and The Girl went to stay the weekend at a temporary group home. This home is for troubled youth from 10 - 17. At 10, The Girl was the youngest child there by several years.

The Girl's therapist joined us for intake. Having been with us for almost two years, her therapist is intimately aware of just how difficult it is to parent my child. On more than one occasion she has had to remind me that my daughter's issues are not my fault. She has told me countless times that regardless of who her parents were, The Girl would be the way she is. Sadly, those reassurances don't reassure. Over and over in my head I hear "You're horrible."

It breaks my heart to see my daughter struggle with everyday tasks. It cuts me to the core each time she lashes out, her words stinging like the lashes of a whip. The blatant disregard for rules, structure, and family rituals. It's like she is clawing her way through life, intentionally causing as much damage as she can.

I am hurting. My son is hurting. Her lack of concern for anyone but herself is tearing my small family apart.

This week, I hope to complete an intake process to a nearby day treatment facility. The facility specializes in children with behavior management issues. Children like my daughter.

I pray that this helps her. I have been trying for years to get her the help she needs. Sadly, most programs don't include people of her young age. I keep praying for the miracle cure, the solution that clicks, a consequence or a reward that motivates her to change her course. I pray that she figures it out before the consequences are permanent. Before someone is hurt. Before she winds up in jail.

I pray that I am making the right choices for her. I pray that I am not letting her down. I pray that I am not horrible.

33 comments:

Holy Hannah said...

Oh Honey, You are NOT horrible. I know we dont't talk much but I know your struggles. You are a good mom with a good heart, don't ever let anyone tell you differnt. The Girls issues are her own and you are giving her what she and The Boy needs, there needs to be calm and rules. Just remind her that you love her every day and I will continue to pray for you and your family every day. She and you will get through this.

Michelle Pixie said...

I think you are an amazingly strong woman who loves her children with all of her being! Not horrible at all! I can't even fathom what you must go through daily, I pray that you continue to find the strength and that you get all the help that you all need. {{{HUGS}}}

Babes Mami said...

You are not horrible! You are awesome! You have been dealing with these problems as well as you can for as long as you can, hopefully this will help her and make things a little more tolerable. I will send you good vibes and hope and all that good love stuff and hope it helps. You are not horrible.

June Freaking Cleaver said...

As a parent with an autistic/bipolar teen (boy), I totally "get" your frustration. I too was a single parent. Until someone has that unique experience, they shouldn't really judge how we feel about our kids, and should give us some slack when we need to vent.

Even with two parents in the house, parenting a special needs child who is demanding and unreasonable is difficult at times. And you deserve a break, as does your son.

Please do not spend another second of your life thinking you are horrible - and let's hope that judgmental Tweeter never has to go through the kind of stuff we parents do, because she would be telling her child how HORRIBLE he/she is.

Shell said...

You are NOT horrible. The person who tweeted that at you read one tweet of yours and responded. They have not a clue of all that you have gone through with your daughter or just how much it took to get you to your breaking point.

One with many names said...

You are not horrible at all. You are doing the best you can the only way you can. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you and your daughter can find some measure of peace. Be well.

Andrea (ace1028) said...

Oh My G-d. Who the eff would say that? Sorry, but that pi$$es me OFF. People have no right to judge anyone unless they have literally lived their life, which I'm guessing, unless they jumped into your body, they have not. Blech.

Anyway, I am so sorry you're going through this, but you are an incredible person and I am really glad to hear that The Girl is getting more help. I know we have not talked about this often, to the extent of details, but if you ever want to or need to, please let me know. You are NOT horrible. I have worked with many a parent who would never go to the point of getting their child the help that they need, and that, my friend, to me, is horrible.

I'm here if you need me. Love you! (Is that weird to say? If it is - well, too d@mned bad!)

The Nice One said...

You're wonderful.
You're wonderful.
You're wonderful.
I sometimes face those same battles with my own feelings in dealing with my special needs son.
Change the replay in your head.

purseblogger said...

Oh girl, you are not horrible. I am so sorry someone said that. They had no right. I struggle with a child of mine but nothing to this capacity. My heart goes out to you. You are a wonderful mother, don't ever ever forget that. You and your family are in my prayers. xoxo

adrienzgirl said...

No one has the right to judge another parent, especially when it comes to special needs children. People have NO IDEA what it's like. You're an amazing human being and that translates to you as a mother as well.

Just remember, God only sends those children to parents HE believes are strong enough, and wise enough and capable of handling such adversity. Remember that every day as you struggle. Those who sit in judgement and have well behaved, well managed children were not chosen to love our children.

I love you Momma. Keep hanging in there.

Kimberly said...

You are NOT horrible and shame on the person who even said that. Shame. You are doing everything in your power to help your daughter and it sickens me that someone who has NOT walked a mile in your shoes judged you for a tweet.
You are NOT horrible.

Holly said...

You are not horrible! You are a normal mother. A courageous mother that has to endure this journey alone. Sometimes, people won't ever understand that. When my husband deployed, and I had a eight month old on my hip, and had to take care of everything; I had times when all I wanted was a break. Someone to let me just be me. We (as mothers) need "me" time. And that doesn't make us horrible. It makes us human.

And you have a grieving family, as well. That makes things a thousand times harder. (I say this because I had a mother that wasn't there in my upbringing) And you ARE there for yours!

You are an inspiration to all, and don't let any followers let you down.

~Holly

Soge shirts said...

You definitely are not horrible and are just trying to help your daughter as best you can. The person who wrote you back was out of line. I hope your daughter gets the help she needs.

Alicia said...

have i told you how amazing you are lately?? because you are. you are the most loving, devoted mother around...don't let one persons harsh words define who you are as a mother. they don't know you. they don't know your children. they don't know your situation. they know NOTHING. i'm so proud of the decisions you've made...you clearly have their best interests at heart. you are wonderful! you are loving! you are an INCREDIBLE mother....

now if you'll excuse me i need to go hunt down a twitter bully and kick their a$$

Angie said...

Many prayers to you and your daughter.

(You are NOT horrible. But whoever made that comment is.)

Casey said...

You are in no way horrible. Having a special needs child is so difficult. I have two special needs children and one of them is really hard to deal with and I sometimes have horrible feelings and thoughts but I know I love her just like you love your daughter. Sorry I haven't been around lately

sHeNgKaY said...

You are not horrible. We feel that your doing everything for your childs need..

Be strong.

Tamara aka Cheapskate Mom said...

I'm sorry someone said that to you. It's funny how the careless or not so tactful comments seem to stick out the most. People really need to learn how to edit themselves. I too, understand your frustrations but I had no idea how deep they have become. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can find someone to help her. Please don't let people who cannot even begin to comprehend the depths of your pain get under your skin. I love you, girl. I know we have been out of touch, but you are a kind soul who cares for so much. I hope you get some respite soon. Bless you, my friend.

Queenie Jeannie said...

You are not horrible!!! And what a crap-ass thing for someone to say to you! They won't apologize, so I'll apologize for them.

Every single parent goes through this, even ones who don't have special needs children. Every.Single.Parent. PERIOD!!!! Kids can just get under our skin and make us nutz. Don't stop trying, don't stop fighting, don't lose faith. I wish I had the magical answer, but I don't. But I'm here and I won't say hurtful things!!!

Big hugs!

That Box of Chocolates said...

What!?!?! That jerk needs to step back. Calling you horrible is my job! You are horrible. A horrible friend for sure. The most dishonest person I know. Loyalty? You don't even know the meaning of the word! Ha!

Seriously tho..............whatever! This person doesn't know you sweetheart. I know you both. Remember sticks and stones. I personally know your battle with The Girl. I lived it with you as her other mommy. You do whatever is right for your family and they should do the same with theirs. Hang in there. I love you.

BigSis said...

You are NOT horrible. You are a wonderful mother making good decisions in a very difficult situation. Your daughter is very lucky to have you!

Daffy said...

It never fails to knock me, sometimes to the core, how people can stand in judgement of a situation that they KNOW NOTHING ABOUT! And to even PRETEND that they do? How pompous and arrogant and shameful and egotistical and self righteous their own actions are! NO ONE can EVER know exactly or even closely what someone else is going through in a situation unless they too are or have experienced it first hand. Period. They can sympathize for sure...but we don't really know how we would handle something until we are waist deep in it.

And of course to tell you to ignore it is futile and moot at this point. But yes, everyone is right. The resources are there for a reason and to use them to benefit your child in a safe healthy way does not make you horrible.

Danielle said...

You are a wonderful mother and person in general. People that judge based on a twitter post have their own issues and need to deal with them instead!
Keep your head up, you know what is right for your family!

Mo 'Betta said...

If you were horrible, you wouldn't care or hurt and obviously that's not the case! I pray things get better (and I believe they will!)

gayle said...

You are not horrible at all!! You are just a mom and all mom's feel the same way from time to time.

Tracy said...

Oh Hon, you are a wonderful mother. Thinking about you.xo

Dee said...

Oh holy hell! What kind of an idiot would leave a comment like that? Obviously not a parent. You're doing what's best for your daughter, and your family honey. You're not horrible, you're a loving Mother who wants the best life possible for your child. Hugs honey, don't let idiots get you (even though I know it's hard!!)!

Aunt Crazy said...

YOU.ARE.AMAZING!!!

You are doing the best thing a mother can do, HELP her child!!! Good luck!

bigguysmama said...

You are not horrible. You are a parent. We aren't perfect, but you've done everything you can for your daughter. What's going on with her is, in my opinion, biological. Sure we have an impact on our kids, but our kids have something going on in their minds that isn't because of us.

I truly feel for you. This isn't going to be easy, but persevere!

~Mimi

Anastasia said...

Fuck that shit. What a douche. I work at an RTC and I have seen some horrible parents.

You are there for her, you are part of her treatment, you don't tell her those things, you vent on twitter, you don't abuse her, or blame her, you're not giving her up. You are doing the best thing for her. That is what being a parent is about. And even the best of kids can drive us a little crazy. That isn't horrible.

The parents who abandon there kids, hurt them, neglect them, etc. those people are horrible.

You know what else is horrible? Assholes who should keep their mouth shut when they don't know what they are talking about.

bluecottonmemory said...

I don't think that until you have a child who struggles and challenges, you really understand. I now understand that good parents have children who struggle with good choices. I will tell you what helps me to keep hope, though:
1) Believe that God has a plan. God knew exactly what they would struggle with.
2) Try to see them as God sees them. That's where the hope part comes in. I hold on to that - with both hands.
3) Pray over them. Yes, I believe it works.
4) Realize that love is a choice. It is not always fuzzy. There are times you will not like your child. Always choose love (and that doesn't mean you will be Miss Sunshine all the time).
5)Surround yourself with people who support you, get your struggle (and their kids don't have to have the same "diagnosis").
6) God put her in your home because He knew you would fight for her (but not always with warm fuzzy feelings).
I understand how your situation affects the entire household. I understand that need to get a break. And, I understand the heart-break within it all!

Anti-Supermom said...

This is my first time reading this, all I can say is... I don't know... Every parent has moments of feeling horrible.

Every parent.

Big hugs to you. I hope things are better now~

fumblingtowardsnormalcy.com said...

This weekend, I was talking to a friend about the consequences of making a statement to someone without knowing all the background information.

Your Twitter comment demonstrates that.

I'm assuming the person who left it has no idea of the struggles you are going through and just said the first thing that came to mind. I'm sure they didn't stop to think about where you were really coming from or what was going on with you. They may not even have meant for those words to stick with you as they did.

People need to take a step back and really consider the whole situation before using harsh words.

You aren't horrible. You are dealing with a difficult and horrible situation and you are doing the best you can for you and your family. You aren't horrible.

Hugs to you and I hope things get better.

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